Book Reviews

No More Secrets - Only Light!

"My daughter found out that you don't get to keep your secrets at Shelterwood. When things come into the light, then healing and hope can come." - SW Parent

Read about the Ward family story of restoration.

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Boys Adrift: five factors driving the growing epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men

by Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D.
review by Mark Vander Ley, counselor

In the book Boys Adrift, Author Leonard Sax attempts to answer the question, "what is going on with American boys?" He begins by defining the problem as an "epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men." He describes very capable boys who have checked out of school because it is "stupid" and "I hate it". He also details the stories of young men who float from job to job, living with mom and dad well into their twenties, and find success only in video games and promiscuity. After defining the problem he clearly outlines the five factors that he believes to be driving it. The main benefit parents will gain from this book is a deeper understanding of the cultural factors that are shaping how their boys are developing into men.

In Defense of Childhood: Protecting Kids’ Inner Wildness

by Chris Mercogliano
review by Mark Vander Ley, counselor

In a culture in which children seem to have everything that they would ever want, why do so many of them become adolescence that struggle to transition to the adult responsibilities of “leaving home, finishing school, starting work, getting married, and having children” Chris Mercogliano argues in his book “In Defense of Childhood: Protecting Kids’ Inner Wildness” that everything they would ever want is not at all what children NEED.

Mercogliano believes that American childhood has been domesticated. All risk, excitement, challenge and control has been taken away from kids by parents who are fearful of their child being hurt, falling behind, or being out of control. According to Mercogliano these fears are reinforced by our “compulsory, factory-style, standards-driven model of education [that] has become perhaps the largest single agent of childhood domestication.” This domestication includes what used to be the private realm of children, Play. The author believes that the same fears lead to a lack of “Real play”. He sites safe playgrounds, children’s sports, video games, and Television, as “false play” “because they do little to enhance a child’s imagination or creativity.”

Mercogliano asserts that this domestication of childhood leads to what he calls “adulthood arrested”. “Young people are getting stuck because they have been forced to live thoroughly domesticated childhoods. They are arriving at the increasingly fuzzy border between adolescence and adulthood without enough practice in making choices and doing things for themselves.” He goes on to describe how he believes parents can “protect the inner wildness” of their children by being aware of their own inner wildness and creativity, Turning off the television and reading to their children, exposing children to nature, and providing meaningful work for their children.

As a parent and counselor I enjoyed reading this book because it challenged the way I was raised and forced me to think hard about what fears drive my parenting. It calls us back to a time when children were allowed to daydream, and when childhood sports were played in the streets not a manicured ball field. Parents are challenged to allow our children to dream, explore, imagine, and work their way to adulthood rather than ushering them down a prescribed path toward “success”.

Raising Cain: Protecting the emotional life of boys

by Dan Kindlon PH.D. and Michael Thompson, PH.D.

As a father of three boys and a counselor for many teenage boys that are struggling to become men I have been asking myself several important questions lately. How do I prepare my boys for the challenges they will face as adolescents? How can I help the adolescent boys that I counsel to navigate the challenges of today and become men? I read a book recently that I think offers some helpful insights into the struggles that boys face in our culture and what parents, teachers, pastors, and counselors can do to help.

Raising Cain Protecting the Emotional life of boys was written by Dan Kindlon, PH.D. and Michael Thompson, PH.D. The thesis of this book is, “boys need an emotional vocabulary that expands their ability to express themselves in ways other than anger or aggression.” The authors argue that boys are presented with a “big impossible” image of stoic masculinity and manhood that is impossible and even unhealthy for them to achieve. This picture of an emotionless, and powerful “man” never shows the fear, uncertainty, anxiety, and pain that boys inevitably experience. Boys are not presented models of men who wrestle with these emotions and therefore never learn how to do it themselves. As I shared with some ministry friends what I was learning from this book I was surprised to find that the image of stoic masculinity is just as prevalent in Christian circles as in secular. One friend jokingly said, “Oh your gonna raise some mamsy pamsy, sensitive boys.” Although I get the joke, in my experience counseling teens, many from Christian families, I agree that many teenage boys have a very limited emotional vocabulary that consists mostly of mad, and angry. Kindlon and Thompson suggest that the solution to this problem is to, “build emotional literacy, first, by being able to identify and name our emotions; second, by recognizing the emotional content of voice and facial expression, or body language; and third, by understanding the situations or reactions that produce emotional states.” The authors describe many ways that adults can help boys become emotionally literate. The most important ones are:

Good discipline
Emotionally engaged fathers
Moms that give space
Permission to express emotions

The authors contend that if adults who care for boys and our society in general could revise our image of “manhood” our boys would be much more prepared to face the adversity of adulthood. “The difference between boys who overcome adversity and those who surrender to it always comes down to the emotional resources they bring to the challenge”

I recommend this book to any parent raising a boy and to teachers, youth pastors, or anyone who has daily influence on boys. It is not written from a Christian perspective but I would not characterize it as anti-Christian either. I will warn you that it speaks very honestly about the struggles that boys face in our culture namely, drugs, sex, pornography, and violence. If you are sensitive to those subjects it may be shocking but based on my experience I believe it gives an accurate depiction of what boys are experiencing in our society.

30 Days: Turning the Hearts of Parents and Teenagers Toward Each Other

by Richard Ross

If you are a parent who is frustrated because you have a teenager who is technologically connected, but is socially disconnected when it comes to communicating with the family, then this is for you. My teenage son and I were introduced to this resource at a time when we found it difficult to talk to each other about anything other than sports and our relationship was on a fast track to nowhere. After using this tool for 30 days my son and I identified three elements of this program that transformed our relationship. First, each session lasts approximately 10 minutes; this was short enough to keep my son engaged, but long enough to share important and interesting bits of information. The second element was the preprinted discussion cards that are provided to help guide the discussion. The cards are worded in such a way that both of us could easily broach sensitive subjects, and each card was worded in such a way that was non-threatening and kept things fresh. The third element was the time of prayer at the end of each session that we found to have the most impact and really transformed our relationship. It was in those moments where my son and I were praying together and for each other that our hearts were turned towards each other. By praying together we were to saying to one another, “You are important to me and I love you in a manner that is genuine.” If you are a parent or a teen that would like to experience a deeper more meaningful relationship, give this a try, it may be just what the Doctors ordered.

Shepherding a Child's Heart

by Tedd Tripp

Dr. Tripp has written a great book for parents of young children struggling to find a framework through which to view their child. With a distinctively Christian worldview, he tries to establish a foundation for Biblical childrearing. Tripp highlights the often forgotten notion that behavior is an outflow of the heart. Readers are challenged to look beyond behavior and focus on heart change and connecting with their children at a deeper level. At times, however, it appears overly simplistic and fails to provide clear real world direction for captivating the hearts of teens lost in our current culture of computers, drugs, and sexual temptations.

John DeVries

Connecting: Healing For Ourselves and Our Relationships.

by Larry Crabb

Dr. Crabb is a well-established Christian author. In his recent writings he has worked hard to uncover the power and authority of the Christian community to bring healing to the deep pain of individuals. While the rest of the world is focused on identifying psychological disorders and providing treatment strategies, Dr. Crabb is resurrecting the power of connection and the value of relationships. He wants to empower each of us to invest in the lives of others. He, unlike so many others in his profession, wants us to recognize that we don't need professional training to connect with the deep soul wounds of others and in fact it is simply the connection that can bring healing.

Dr. Crabb believes that we can experience the healing power of God through others and that connecting plays a powerful role in addressing the core issues that lie beneath all of our personal, emotional, and psychological problems. His work is a powerful paradigm shift from the current 'how to' manuals on the selves today and may unintentionally serve as a blue print for many of the Christian programs that work with teens.

John DeVries

Loving Your Child Too Much

by Dr. Tim Clinton & Dr. Gary Sibcy

Clinton and Sibcy highlight three common ways that parents show their children love: overindulging, overprotecting, and over controlling. While love is an obvious requirement of parenting, it is often difficult to find balance in parenting styles. My wife and I enjoyed discussing the various pitfalls of undisciplined love and it helped us recalibrate our own expression of love to our kids. While it might seem simplistic, the truths are profound and Biblically based.

John DeVries

She's Gonna BLOW! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger

by Julie Ann Barnhill

Okay, I admit it. I have an anger problem. I have no idea where it came from, but it is undeniably here. And truth be told, the problem reared its ugly head only after I had kids. Go figure. Kids have a way of bringing out the best and the worst in all of us and my worst was ugly...not abusive, but ugly. Even though I don't consider myself a "yeller," my facial expressions and body language frequently seem aggressive, even when I don't mean them to. I know that I have high expectations of myself and everyone around me, but when I started to transfer this message to my kids, I knew I needed some kind of help and advice. That's where this book comes in. This is a book for any mom who has ever "blown it" and yelled at her kids only to feel guilty and defeated once again...and again...and again. Julie courageously shares a lot of her own personal failures and successes as a mom and encourages those of us who want to stop the hollering and negative interactions (and the subsequent damage) in our homes. The book helps us understand where the anger may be coming from, our personal warning signs, possible unresolved issues, and provides a Biblical basis for change and practical tools to build a more peaceful home. Her sense of humor, honesty and conviction that mom's can change make this book an amazingly easy read. The practical advice and Biblical truths presented in such an honest way made me feel empowered and resolved to make some changes. We highly recommend this book for any mom who knows that SHE is the one, not her kids, who needs a TIME OUT.

Stacy DeVries

Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman's Battle

by Shannon Ethridge

It happened almost overnight. My usually kind, loving, sweet daughter had turned into a moody, weepy, hard-to-get-along-with stranger. It struck me that her hormones must be beginning that decade-long rage that I thought was still a ways off. Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge helped me to understand that my daughter was not weird and I was not imagining things; she was a sponge, soaking up from me and her environment what it means to be a woman. Her getting social cues from me is scary in itself, but her getting them from the media, etc. is terrifying.

This book is set up in two parts. The first one is for moms (or dads) to read alone. It gives insight into how to handle sex education with your daughter and stresses the importance of doing so before it's too late. Ethridge covers everything from pornography to menstruation to homosexuality, subjects which I had no idea how to bring up. The second half of the book is read with your daughter. We have enjoyed reading together about the changes that are just around the corner and other basic things about sexuality. Ethridge includes some really creative activities to do together that give the child a tangible lesson on the ideas covered. What I appreciated most about this book is that it stresses how a girl should expect to be treated by boys. The "princess" and purity concepts come out loud and clear and I can tell that my daughter feels special when we read it together.

I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has a daughter ages 10-13. It takes the embarrassment and the awkwardness out of the "the talk" and makes your daughter feel like the special child of God that she is.

Stacy DeVries

The Power of a Praying Parent and The Power of a Praying Wife

by Stormie Omartian

Both of these books have been sitting on my bedside table for years now. I need them. Sometimes I don't know how to pray for my kids or my husband. These books have so many ideas that no matter what my children are facing, I can find a chapter, a prayer and some Biblical promises to comfort me. Whether my husband is having trouble at work, with finances, fatherhood, or (and this rarely happens), problems with his marriage, I can open Stormie's book and get some direction, help, and the occasional challenge. She likens not praying for your family to sending them out into a battlefield without armor, something none of us would ever do. And yet, when we don't pray for them, we leave them vulnerable to pain, attacks, and failure.

The books are divided into 30 chapters, one for each day of the month if you so choose. Each chapter gives insight into Stormie's journey as a wife or mother, tells what she learned from that experience, suggests a beautiful prayer that includes much Scripture and ends with some verses or promises that she refers to as "power tools." These books are a great asset to anyone who recognizes the power of prayer, but is not always sure what to pray for.

Stacy DeVries