Survival Fatigue
by John DeVries
Fatigue in parenting difficult teens can result in apathy or hopelessness. Read these tips for getting help.
On the show “Lost,” there are some who are managing their survival on the island with more confidence than others. The doctor in the group seems to manage chaos with more confidence than the others. Training and knowledge can do that for us, can’t it? Knowledge of survival information contributes to a feeling of confidence, which is important in handling fear and panic. Once fear and panic set in, pain, fatigue, loneliness, and confusion follow closely behind. These are the enemies of survival and they may attack singly or in teams. Pain is nature’s way of making you pay attention to something that is wrong.
But nature also has ways of buffering pain if you are too busy to pay immediate attention. Special effort needs to be made to keep your hope alive. Are you studying the Bible? Do you have a person in your life you can share with and who can help you see hope in the future and the strength of your relationship in the past? Fatigue is almost impossible to avoid and even a very moderate amount of fatigue can reduce mental ability. Fatigue can make you careless and adopt the feelings of apathy or hopelessness. Many people mistakenly think that fatigue and energy expenditure are directly related. This confused notion may be responsible for many deaths in the wilderness and the death of relationships in the home. Certainly there is real danger of overexertion in the home. As parents, we try to meet every need and use every opportunity to connect with our kids. It often leads us to chasing after our kids and feeling like chauffeurs.
But fatigue may actually be due to hopelessness, lack of goal orientation, dissatisfaction, or frustration. In an effort to be the perfect parent, many of us have had to watch our kids simply walk away from us. We are often so busy seeking their love that they don’t really need to put any effort into the relationship and they know that the slightest smile or kind word send us off doing whatever they might ask. We may also feel a sense of fatigue as a result of wanting to escape from the situation, which has become too difficult.
As you work through this phase of life, remember that survival may depend more upon you than upon the actual danger or the nature of the emergency. You, as the parent, are in much greater control than it might seem and you can find your way out of this wilderness and back into familiar surroundings. Keep in mind that you can …
- make up your mind
- improvise
- take it when the going gets tough
- remain cool and calm
- hope for the best and prepare for the worst
- know where your special fears and worries come from
As you take steps to remain cool and calm, I would encourage you to take a step back from the crisis that might be surrounding you at this time and truly appraise the situation that confronts you. Take a deep breath and accept that you and your family might be lost and it is time to reach out for some help. It is not a time for retreat and embarrassment. It is time to be the leader of the home. Seek counsel from family, friends, and counselors but then make up your mind and move forward with a decision. Many families wait too long and they end up not only lost, but also needing to be rescued. Don’t let pride and fear get in the way of trusting professional guidance. As parents we often hear the horror stories of placing teens in treatment away from home and it immobilizes us. So I would encourage you to do the research, ask good questions, and maybe even visit the facility prior to placement. Look for a program that mirrors your values and recognizes the importance of the inner life of your teen. Look for programs that don’t just say they have a spiritual program, but actually live it. You need more than strategies and your child needs more than improved self-esteem. After a reasonable research process, recognize your remaining fears and then give them to God. This is really where faith comes in. Trust others to help your family out of the wilderness and take an honest look at how you got there in the first place.
John DeVries ©
