Shelterwood

Anger

“Be angry but don't sin” –Eph. 4:26

Parents get angry sometimes. Teenagers get angry sometimes. We all get angry. But the typical lesson on anger taught by most parents to their children is “never get angry.” It’s like teaching your kids not to eat. You say, “You kids don't eat right. You just eat junk food all the time, so here’s the new rule in this house: no more eating!” Ridiculous. Just like we need to teach our kids how to eat correctly, as parents, we need to teach our kids how to be angry correctly.

Paul the Apostle wrote tons on the issue of emotions and anger. Ephesians Chapter 4 is a blueprint on how to be angry correctly. Paul says to “get angry without sinning.” Apparently it is possible to have this thing called anger and it be okay. That word for anger is the Greek word orge, which means “a stirring of emotion that begins slowly.” Being stirred can be a good thing. But rarely do we deal with anger in a healthy and constructive way. When our emotions are stirred and we get upset, we react in several different ways.

Option 1: Stuffing

Unfortunately, we are all good at stuffing anger. Paul says in Eph. 4 “not to let the sun go down on your anger.” Our emotions are stirred about something. Instead of running that emotion through the “filter,” we typically stuff or file it away. Not good. The filter involves praying about the situation, then either confronting the issue or letting it go. Letting it go is not stuffing it. Example: I’m frustrated with my teen because he’s on the JV and not the varsity. I run it through the filter. My “anger” or stirring is really just jealousy of my neighbor’s kid being on the varsity. I don't stuff it. I’m honest about it and choose to be happy for him and let it go. God uses the emotion. The other option to stuffing is to confront. I’m stirred because my teen was rude to his sister. Weeks earlier, we’d discussed that very issue and he asked me to hold him accountable. I run it through the filter. My motive is okay. He’s my son and I want the siblings to get along. I remember Proverbs 27:6 “faithful are the wounds of a friend.” So I confront him and he’s defensive at first, but accepts the rebuke. God uses the emotion.

The stuffing option is quick and convenient, but super destructive. The “stuffed to” file cabinet is a dark and ugly place filled with past hurts and stinky trash. Too many files can lead to bad anger, which the Greek calls thumos. Paul uses that word for anger too, but in a negative sense. Part of what we do at Shelterwood is unload that filing cabinet. Not easy, but so freeing. We’re at our best when the file cabinet is empty. We’re the healthiest emotionally when we’re about the 1 Cor. 13 principle of “not taking into account wrongs suffered.”

So keep that filter system running today. When, not if, you become stirred or angry, run it through the filter system. Don't react, but pray and then act. Either let it go- really let it go or confront the situation. Your teen knows more about your issues than you think. They are modeling what they see and experience. This is all a part of “training up.” Take a deep breath and let God use your anger in a healthy way as you run it through the filter and avoid the stuffing.

Option 2: Shifting

“Be angry but…let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth” –Eph. 4

We’ve been discussing anger. Lesson 1 was about stuffing. Sometimes when we get angry, instead of dealing with the anger, we stuff it and file it away. It’s efficient but damaging. But when we filter through the source of the anger, we discover it’s either helpful or hurting. Either way, we act on the anger and put it away or use it to confront a brother.

Blame shifting is the process where responsibility for a problem is shifted from one person to another. When a problem presents itself and we get angry, often we look for a person to blame.  We prefer to point the finger at someone else. When the accident occurs, we blame the highway department; when the team loses, we blame the coach; when the storm hits, we blame the National Weather Service; when the oil slick appears, we blame the government.  More importantly here, when our teenager is less than what we expect, we blame them. Why? Because if someone else is at the source of the problem, then we have no responsibility to fix the problem and our anger is justified.

When we are “stirred” or angered over something, we reach a crossroads every time. Do we own the emotion and deal with it in a healthy way or do we look for someone to blame? We’d rather critique and judge someone else for creating the situation that stirred us. It’s the easier route. Then we can gripe and complain all day long. But if we own our part in the difficulty, then we are required to help solve the problem in a constructive way.

In Ephesians Chapter 4, Paul challenges us to “be angry but don't sin.” Then he challenges us to own the anger. “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth except that it’s good for edification, for the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” In other words, help solve the problem. My mom used to say, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.” That’s sound wisdom, but this goes deeper. If you don't have anything good to think in your heart about someone, then do something about it.” Either forgive, confront, or drop it.

We counteract shifting when we own it. Grace is a powerful thing. It’s a Monday night with our teenager. The track meet went late and she is behind in studying for the test tomorrow. We’re angry because she might do poorly on the test tomorrow. Don't gripe at them. Choose to own it and help her study. Take her a snack. Edify. Help the need. Give grace. That is Paul’s challenge.

Shifting points the finger at someone else. Love points the finger at me and challenges me to do something edifying with my “stirring up” or anger. It’s always the best choice to love your teenager.

Option 3: Putting Away

“Be angry but… put away all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander along with all malice” -Eph. 4

We continue to discuss anger and how to deal with it in a healthy way in our families. In lesson 1 we discussed the tendency to stuff anger. Lesson 2 was about shifting.  Blame shifting is the process where responsibility for a problem is shifted from one person to another. When a problem presents itself and we get angry, often we look for someone to blame.  We prefer to point the finger at someone else.

But love points the finger at ourselves and challenges us to do something edifying with our “stirring up” or anger. It’s always the best choice to love your teenager.

It’s true that any healthy relationship has struggles. Every family deals with anger issues. Paul’s continues his challenge on anger in Ephesians chapter 4. He challenges us to use anger in a positive way and then get rid of it. Specifically, he says to “put it away.” When my kids were little we always had “put the toys away” time after they’d left their toys all over the house. We had a wooden toy box that sat in our living room that stored all the toys. But the toys didn't jump into the box. It required the kids to pick up the toys and put them into the box and shut the top. When the toys were “put way,” they weren’t there to play with anymore. Paul is reminding us, whether the anger is appropriate or not, to get rid of it quickly.

Paul specifically lists 6 “toys” to put away: bitterness (“bitter-hatred”), wrath (outward anger), anger (the same word used for good anger), clamor (shouting), slander (intent to injure) and malice (to wish ill-will). What a gross list of fleshly, damaging emotions. Putting them away means I bury them. It means I let them go. It means I shut the lid on the toy box and turn the latch. It means I move on.

It’s interesting that Paul says to put away the very “anger” he said was positive. He’s reminding us that even justified and useful anger needs to be buried and forgotten.

The family is such a dynamic, interacting machine. Emotions come and go as they’re stirred up in relationships. As you work through issues with your kids, when the issues are resolved, don't hold on to the anger. Like a cancer, anger not put away can morph and grow into destructive emotions that will harm the relationship.

Remember, when destructive emotions are correctly put away, the home becomes a place of peace.

Option 4: Putting On

“Be angry and …be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” -Eph. 4:32

This is the last discussion on anger and how to deal with it in a healthy way in our families. We’ve discussed stuffing and shifting anger. And we explored putting away our anger lest it develop into deeper anger.

Paul emphasized that we need to put away negative emotions. But he concludes Chapter 4 in Ephesians with a challenge to put on the 3 positive things. Paul is reminding us to be angry and don't sin, then move on and put it all away; then put the top layer of icing on the cake by doing these things for that family member.

First, Paul says to put on “kindness to one another.” That’s the Greek word Chrestia which means “to help someone suitable for a need.” In other words, reach out and help the very person with whom you were angry. Yep, things were pretty tense a few hours ago. Yep, it took some time to work through the issue in love. But past is past. Now is now and there’s no better way to show love than by being kind. You know your family well. You know your teenager- do something kind for them.

Secondly, Paul says to be tenderhearted. That’s the Greek word eusplanchnoi. It means to “show affection.” Apparently doing something nice is great, but having a soft heart towards that person means I’m not afraid to show affection. Give your unhuggable teen a hug. Deep inside, he’ll like it and others will notice it too.

And lastly, we’re challenged to forgive one another. It’s the cherry on top. It’s the word charizomai, which is “being gracious as a favor.” When we forgive, we show grace. When we experience grace, we’re gracious. Our teen hurt us badly, but we’ve worked through the issue. It's in the past. Now we need to forgive and move on. Why? Because that’s what Christ did for us.

Paul said in Eph. 4, “be angry but do not sin.” He literally used the word orge which means “to be stirred up.” It’s helpful when used in a constructive way, but potent when negative. Every family deals with anger. It’s not a matter of “if” but “when.” Using the anger in a constructive way then putting it away helps produce peace in the home. Putting on an attitude of forgiveness and kindness helps maintain that peace in the future.

by Joseph Staples ©

Making Decisions

Sometimes we all make poor decisions. I remember hearing Alabama football coach Bear Bryant after a loss. When asked about the game losing interception his quarterback threw, Bryant commented, “He’s a good boy, he just made a poor decision.”

When I was in 7th grade, Ricky Carson, one of my best friends, asked me to spend the night. His family had just moved into a new house. Of course I said, “yes.” We played pool and listened to music on our 8 tracks – remember? Then we got bored. By the way, there is nothing more dangerous than a bored teenager. Ricky mentioned something new and cool that he had in his bathroom- a fan. Yes, a fan in the ceiling. That was a new thing in the 70’s. Then I saw the pile of smoke bombs in his bedroom. For reasons not known to this day, we decided (actually I decided) to test the fan by lighting a smoke bomb in the bathroom. Surely the fan would suck all the smoke right out of the bathroom. Disaster. The fan did it's best but the entire house filled with smoke. His mom hurried up the stairs and was furious. To this day, it is in the top 10 list of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. Dumb.

Teenagers sometimes make poor decisions too. It’s all a part of being an adolescent, learning to factor in the right variables to make wise, mature decisions. But it’s trial and error. When your teen gets that traffic ticket or fails that assignment he forgot to do at school, we as parents, are frustrated. But it’s important that parents take a deep breath and pray before the post-smoke bomb conversation. More times than not, no additional guilt is needed. Though they may not show it, most teens don't like making mistakes either. Other times they need our strong discipline: being grounded or taking the car keys away produces the healthy guilt they need to move on and avoid future mistakes.

Mostly, what teens need from parents is to simply be there for them. Sure, we get frustrated because often parents pay the price (literally) for the mistakes too. They need our correction, but mostly they need our encouragement.

Point out a better choice in their decision-making next time, then drop it. Life is all about learning from our mistakes. Let God use you in your teen’s life to learn and grow.

Remember, the smoke will eventually clear from the mistake and a wiser, more confident teen will emerge.

Posted By Joey Staples ©

The Finish Line

Our son Eric is a senior at the University of Arkansas. His four years of college have gone by quickly and he has done so well in his time there, not just in academics, but in yielding to God’s plan in his life. There have been some tough times relationally and spiritually, but he has never shied away from his commitment to finish God’s course for his life. We are so proud of him.

Let me tell you about another course he finished a few years ago. Flash back to his senior year of high school. It’s the Missouri State Cross Country Championships in Jefferson City, Missouri.

Eric was feeling great when the race started. Half way through the 3.1 mile race he was in 20th place (the top 25 medal). With 500 yards to go he was in 21st place. [in the pic, the runner in front]. As he rounded the corner to the finish line, only 100 yards to the finish, his body simply decided to shut down. We're not sure why, cause he's never had a problem with fatigue. With only 50 yards to go, his legs began to shake and then he collapsed. He got up, walked a few steps, then went down. We wanted to go to him so badly, but he would have been disqualified. It's funny, but at that moment he became our 5 year old again- our little boy that needed our help. But this was a burden he alone had to bear. He finally made his way to the end and literally crawled over the finish line. He finished 50th or something. Then, we joined him as he was carried to the medical tent. He was in the pre-stages of shock. He wasn't coherent, his breathing was erratic and his heart rate was high. They gave him oxygen and waited. It was a scary time for Jeanie and me and he was so cold. He wasn't responding to anyone talking to him, but he kept whispering,"thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord" over and over. God was watching over him. Jeanie and I were both secretly hoping this wasn't him getting ready to be with Jesus! The doctors were so close to taking him to the hospital, but 30 minutes or so later, after giving him oxygen, he finally looked over and had life in his eyes! He was back. A little later, he began to drink and we finally left the tent. It was the gutsiest performance I'd ever seen. He was determined to "finish the course" and I'll never forget it. He didn't win a medal, but he won the respect of every one that was watching. Back in Branson later, we spent the day talking about it. We may never know why his body chose to quit with just a few yards to go, but God had a bigger purpose. He did all he could do and I'm so proud of him.

After my father died, I was looking through his desk, and found a card with this quote by Theodore Roosevelt,"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena- his face is marred by dust and sweat and blood....who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause. Who, at best, if he wins, knows the thrill of high achievement-and if he fails at least fails while daring greatly- so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Eric didn't medal but he did "dare greatly". Like he said, "I gave it all for the Lord. The results were up to Him".

I wonder what God is challenging you to “dare greatly” in today? As a parent or friend, the challenge to love is always a tough course. So is doing my best at work or in school.

Paul wrote, “ I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith” [2Tim. 4:7] . God designs the courses we’re all called to run. It’s tough to finish a course, but He promises to be with us and strengthen us to the finish line.

May we all finish our God-given course to it's fullest!

by Joseph Staples ©

The Oppositional Teen

by Joey Staples
Shelterwood Site Director (Branson)

Parenting an oppositional teenager! It’s enough to start the dogs howling and send the normal parent running. Remember when you first saw your precious, compliant, innocent, newborn baby? You had no idea then that you’d be parenting an oppositional teenager now. Of course, calling a teenager oppositional is like calling sandpaper rough, of course it is! But I am convinced that hidden within the context of that opposition are the makings of an assertive, confident, risk-taking adult. In my work at Shelterwood the last thirty years, I have observed a common link between leadership and opposition. Shelterwood is a Christian State-licensed residential home for teenagers and their families. We help families put the pieces back together so the family can live back under their roof as a working, loving, dynamic unit. I have observed over the years that the teens that come to Shelterwood are the teens that have the confidence and assertiveness to take chances and sometimes get into trouble. They are the leaders.

I love to study history. Background checks of most famous leaders reveal people that didn't just coast through life. They were different. They were risk takers. They were willing to “cut against the grain.” True leaders are always willing to do it differently. Of course they may be oppositional during their adolescent years, because they are forming the confidence and spunk that, if molded and crafted correctly, lends itself to a productive and effective leader. Followers are important and needed, but the followers stay safe and calculated. The leaders step forward.

It’s true, not all leaders go through a significant oppositional stage in their adolescent years. Some do and some don’t. We’re not sure exactly why. When nature and nurture are added together, we’re all unique and different.

So, if we begin to journey together through Shelterwood it won't be easy. This isn’t elementary school stuff. It’s Graduate school level learning. It’s difficult. It can be ugly. It can be confusing. And there are no guarantees. But in the end, all that’s asked of parents is to give it their best shot. When we, as parents, lay our heads on the pillow at night, we can rest knowing we’ve done our best.

So, buckle your seatbelt....

©  Joey Staples
Shelterwood Site Director (Branson)

Embracing Everest

by Mark Vander Ley ©
Shelterwood Counselor

I recently read a book about a group of people who were climbing Mount Everest. The book detailed the tragedy, and triumph of the climb as several people died and several others made the summit and returned home safely. I began to wonder why people would attempt such a feat? Why do they risk pain, health, family and life just to reach the top of a mountain? As I reflected I also began to ask, why does anyone attempt anything that is difficult or challenging? I came to the conclusion that people do challenging things because they provide a sense of competence, power, confidence and excitement. 

I believe it is possible for children to experience those same feelings on a daily basis when their parents provide and allow them to face their daily “Everests”. The trouble I have found is that many parents have been bombarded by our culture of fear and convinced that it is their responsibility as parents to protect their children from all the dangers of the world. Now, don’t get me wrong parents do have responsibility to protect their children from legitimate dangers. The problem is that our culture and media see danger where only a challenge exists. It is not dangerous for a child to take physical risks. Running, jumping, climbing, racing, and swimming are all physical risks that can provide the aforementioned feelings. However, many parents have made these activities so “risk free” by controlling them that they no longer offer the desired growth in confidence. “A 1991 study of 3 generations of 9 year olds found that, between 1970 and 1990, the radius around the home where children are allowed to roam on their own has shrunk to a 9 th

of what it had been in 1970.” (Louv, pg 122) We all have seen the news reports every year around Halloween about the tainted candy or the razor blades inserted into candy bars. In 1990 Joel Best found that of 76 incidents reported between 1958 and 1984

there was not one incident in which a child was seriously injured from tainted candy. (Louv) The most humorous example of our culture of fear comes from a parenting magazine in which there was an advertisement for a toddler’s walking helmet. This helmet was to protect the toddler who was learning to walk from bumping his head as he fell. It is the natural course of things to get a few bumps and bruises when one is learning to walk. I don’t want to sound careless and reckless but I do believe that those bumps and bruises are all part of how a child learns to walk.

The problem with fearful parents believing they have to protect their children from the evil lurking outside their door is that parents tend to overprotect. Over protection sends an implied message of, “I don’t believe you are capable”.  Providing risk and challenge for a child sends an implied message of, “I believe in you” that is a message that I want to send! I am not saying that every family needs to start climbing mountains. However I believe that there are risks and challenges that people of all ages encounter on a daily basis. It is imperative for the character development of children that they be allowed to face those age appropriate challenges on their own with the support of loving encouragement. For a three year old it may be climbing the ladder at the park or walking over to play with the neighbor boys while parents watch. For the elementary student it is riding the bus to school, packing his own lunch, or carrying his own book bag. As a teenager it could be driving the family car, having a part time job, or handling the conflict with the principle without parent involvement. I hope that parents will begin to look at the challenges that their children face not as dangers they need protection from, but opportunities to build competence, confidence, power and excitement. These are daily opportunities for you to communicate to your child that you believe in them, without saying a word. I also hope that parents will begin to look at their fears as signals of overprotection. The fear of your child falling is a desire to protect them from the pain you anticipate they will feel. The fear of them failing a class is a desire to protect them from falling behind, not measuring up, or being unsuccessful. The irony of these fears is that protecting our children from pain, and failure can actually produce unsuccessful adults. They will have missed opportunities to learn lessons from pain and failure as a child, and have to learn those lessons as an adolescent or adult accompanied by more severe consequences. “Parents who try to ensure their children’s successes often raise unsuccessful children” (Cline, Fay, pg. 48) 

The challenges that people face in life provide a sense of competence, confidence, power and excitement. We live in a culture of fear and parents have become overprotective of their children.  Overprotecting our children sends the message, “I don’t believe you can do it”.  Appropriate safety and allowing for risk and challenge sends the message, “I believe you are capable”. Parents can help build competence, confidence, power and excitement in their child’s life by allowing them to take age appropriate risks on a daily basis.

by Mark Vander Ley
Shelterwood Counselor

Lost

by John De Vries 

I have many friends who enjoy the popular television show called “Lost.” “Lost” is a story about a bunch of strangers that have crashed by plane onto a tropical island.  The characters survive and thrive in the midst of chaos and danger. In some ways it reminds me of how many families experience adolescence. Everyone is just flying along, enjoying life without a care in the world. The children seem happy, are relatively obedient, and minor flare-ups occur but are controlled. Then the turbulence of adolescence hits and the plane starts to feel unsteady. Without correction, the family will crash and find themselves in some unknown territory…lost in the wild of adolescence.  

In recent years many books have been published in an attempt to lead families through the wilderness of child rearing. If you are fortunate enough to identify with the Christian community then there are even more books that highlight your role and responsibility as a parent. Each book highlights a variety of different skills as authors try to assist parents in the raising of children.

Sadly, even the Christian community often forgets that God granted children with the ability to make decisions on their own and sometimes no matter what you do as a parent, kids (and especially teens) will sometimes choose a different more dangerous path, at least for a time. When our kids choose to head down this path we need to be prepared to walk in the wilderness with them. It is often a wilderness in which parents are not accustomed to living and therefore frequently get disoriented and lost. I recently read a book called Wilderness Survival, and it highlights that the number one reason people don’t survive when lost in the wilderness is because of fear and panic.  

Sometimes it is easy to feel fear and panic when lost in the wilderness of adolescence.  Teens can be so confusing and the map laid out by well-meaning authors does not seem to apply. But fear is a normal reaction for anyone faced with an emergency. There is no advantage in trying to avoid fear by denying the existence of danger. It is important to realize your fear and accept it as a perfectly normal reaction rather than a shameful one. As a father and a man, I know the last thing I want to do is ask for directions or admit that I’m lost.  But, like many other parents, I am in the most dangerous position when I think, “It can’t happen to me.”  

Wilderness Survival

by John DeVries

Fear and panic are the number one reasons people don't survive in the wilderness ... or why parents don't survive adolescence.

As I mentioned before, fear and panic are the number one reasons people don't survive in the wilderness. As you walk through the wilderness of adolescence, fear influences your behavior and will affect your chances of survival. How you react to fear depends more on you than on the situation. You need to understand yourself if you are going to be able to respond appropriately to the dangers in the wild. As parents, we may have learned to navigate the open fields of childhood when the questions were easy and the choices were less risky.

When my children were young, I often borrowed strength from my position of authority and forced my kids to do what I wanted. They were compliant and it provided me with the illusion of control. On the surface I appeared to be an excellent parent with disciplined kids. But I was only compensating for my inability to communicate, be patient, and show understanding.

To develop deep roots, a family needs to do more than just spend time together or develop communication skills; they need to build their relationship on something.  Fortunately, Christians are able to build our relationships on and through a set of Biblical principles, those that sharpen character and open a connection with others. Certainly the world has worked hard at taking this piece out and they have replaced it with personality development. People are encouraged to take sensitivity training, have a positive mental attitude, and survive "one day at a time." Although skill development seems to be an excellent idea, it can move us away from real connection and more into the area of using techniques on people to get what we want.

This emphasis on "skills" seems to tell parents that they are insufficient to raise a child alone and that they need the special skills that can only be found through an expert in order to have any success with their teen. Skill-based parenting tries to get high quality results through specialized techniques and quick fixes. Parenting has lost its emphasis on character development and no longer challenges us to get our own hearts right. There are no short cuts in the natural world and whether you believe in the Bible or not, the principle of reaping what you sow governs all aspects of life. So we need experts in our lives not to teach us one more trick of communication to get our teen back under control, but to challenge us personally to help us evaluate our own internal motivation in life.

We need to challenge ourselves to change from the inside out both personally and as a family. When you are lost in the wilderness the last thing you need is another short cut.  It is often the short cut that got you lost in the first place. When you are lost in the wilderness, it helps to have survival skills, but what you really need is an accurate map.  Character is the map that helps you find your way in times of trouble. Character is built upon an internal foundation and provides clarity in times of confusion. It gives you a sense of who you are and who God is when you are challenged and trekking through the jungles of adolescence.

John DeVries ©

Survival Fatigue

by John DeVries

Fatigue in parenting difficult teens can result in apathy or hopelessness. Read these tips for getting help.

On the show “Lost,” there are some who are managing their survival on the island with more confidence than others. The doctor in the group seems to manage chaos with more confidence than the others. Training and knowledge can do that for us, can’t it? Knowledge of survival information contributes to a feeling of confidence, which is important in handling fear and panic. Once fear and panic set in, pain, fatigue, loneliness, and confusion follow closely behind. These are the enemies of survival and they may attack singly or in teams. Pain is nature’s way of making you pay attention to something that is wrong.

But nature also has ways of buffering pain if you are too busy to pay immediate attention. Special effort needs to be made to keep your hope alive. Are you studying the Bible? Do you have a person in your life you can share with and who can help you see hope in the future and the strength of your relationship in the past? Fatigue is almost impossible to avoid and even a very moderate amount of fatigue can reduce mental ability. Fatigue can make you careless and adopt the feelings of apathy or hopelessness. Many people mistakenly think that fatigue and energy expenditure are directly related. This confused notion may be responsible for many deaths in the wilderness and the death of relationships in the home. Certainly there is real danger of overexertion in the home. As parents, we try to meet every need and use every opportunity to connect with our kids. It often leads us to chasing after our kids and feeling like chauffeurs.

But fatigue may actually be due to hopelessness, lack of goal orientation, dissatisfaction, or frustration. In an effort to be the perfect parent, many of us have had to watch our kids simply walk away from us. We are often so busy seeking their love that they don’t really need to put any effort into the relationship and they know that the slightest smile or kind word send us off doing whatever they might ask. We may also feel a sense of fatigue as a result of wanting to escape from the situation, which has become too difficult.  

As you work through this phase of life, remember that survival may depend more upon you than upon the actual danger or the nature of the emergency. You, as the parent, are in much greater control than it might seem and you can find your way out of this wilderness and back into familiar surroundings. Keep in mind that you can …

• make up your mind
• improvise
• take it when the going gets tough
• remain cool and calm
• hope for the best and prepare for the worst
• know where your special fears and worries come from

    
As you take steps to remain cool and calm, I would encourage you to take a step back from the crisis that might be surrounding you at this time and truly appraise the situation that confronts you. Take a deep breath and accept that you and your family might be lost and it is time to reach out for some help. It is not a time for retreat and embarrassment.  It is time to be the leader of the home. Seek counsel from family, friends, and counselors but then make up your mind and move forward with a decision.  Many families wait too long and they end up not only lost, but also needing to be rescued. Don’t let pride and fear get in the way of trusting professional guidance. As parents we often hear the horror stories of placing teens in treatment away from home and it immobilizes us. So I would encourage you to do the research, ask good questions, and maybe even visit the facility prior to placement. Look for a program that mirrors your values and recognizes the importance of the inner life of your teen. Look for programs that don’t just say they have a spiritual program, but actually live it. You need more than strategies and your child needs more than improved self-esteem. After a reasonable research process, recognize your remaining fears and then give them to God. This is really where faith comes in.  Trust others to help your family out of the wilderness and take an honest look at how you got there in the first place.  

John DeVries ©

Sibling Rivalry-Times Two

By Wendy Crooks

Juli Ward was six months pregnant before she and her husband David found out that she was expecting twins. At the time, although very excited, she could only imagine how difficult it might be to have a toddler and two new babies. Now Nelson and Tanner are 16 years old and Juli and David Ward have first-hand knowledge of how intense having twins can really be.

When Nelson and Tanner were little, they had their own little language that twins often develop. Between the two of them and their slightly older sister, Juli explained their lives as “a fun loving frenzy of play.” Juli and David decided that although they were identical twins, they wanted to treat them as the great individuals that God intended them to be. They seldom dressed them alike and many of her family members and friends would give Juli a hard time about it.

As the boys aged and approached elementary school, their relationship with each other became more intense. It seemed to become more of a love/hate relationship. Juli and David started suspecting that the boys were having some issues, but when they went to school for parent-teacher conferences, there was nothing alarming reported. In fact, both sets of teachers would say, “He’s a perfect student.” At home, however, it was a completely different story.
It began with competition. Then frustrations and anger appeared. In 5th grade, when the boys were told to do something as simple as their homework, they would run off and be gone for periods of time.

The most noticeable personality changes came as the boys approached puberty during the summer before sixth grade. There was a constant need for stimulation. Whether it was joy or anger, the reactioin to the stimulation was the same – over the top. By the beginning of the 6th grade, the family was in complete crisis. The boys were constantly fighting with each other. No matter what David and Juli did, the boys were only getting angrier and angrier. There were broken fingers, bloody noses, busted lips and face punching. It was then that Juli and David took the boys to see behavioral pediatrician and adolescent specialist, Dr. Paul Warren. Dr. Warren diagnosed the boys with Type 3 ADD and called them “adrenaline junkies.”  

Both boys were tested for the gifted and talented program and it was determined that both have very high IQ’s. Unfortunately, these really smart kids were out of control with their fighting. In September of their 6th grade year, Tanner and Nelson were medicated for their ADD. It was then that Juli and David finally had a reprieve. The boys really adjusted nicely to the medicine but by the spring, Juli and David’s short-lived reprieve was over. When the boys systems got used to the medicine, things went from bad to worse. The twins started getting suspended from school over and over again for fighting – with each other.


Making the First Move
The parents decided to move the boys to a private school as they felt a smaller learning environment might help them. In the fall of their 7th grade year, they seemed to be thriving in their new environment. But, before the spring equinox, this second small reprieve was over. They were again fighting in school – and again it was with each other. Of course now they were fighting over something more important; a girl. This, combined with their raging hormones, led to more and more suspensions. In April, the biggest blowout to date occurred. After the boys brawled on the floor and against lockers, Juli was asked to take the two of them home. In a day that seemed to match the occasion, the sky began to open up and a tremendous downpour began. As Juli ventured home, the rain continued and Juli asked Tanner to explain his behavior. After much argument, Tanner began kicking the back of his mom’s car seat. After several failed attempts to make him stop, Juli finally stopped the car in the parking lot of a nearby convenience store. She instructed Tanner to get out and wait until his father picked him up. Instead of going into the store like she intended for him to do, Tanner walked around the building in the pouring rain. He disappeared long enough for Juli to place the call to his father and while she was still explaining the incident to David, Tanner reappeared. Like a child possessed by a demon, Tanner looked straight at his mother, and took a bottle cap to the side of the car. He walked the entire circumference of the car scraping the bottle cap all the way. This little outrage resulted in a whopping $2,500 worth of damage to the family vehicle but was the first of a few things that helped David and Juli realize the severity of their problem.

Not too long after that day, Juli and David were called into the school for a meeting with the administrators and ultimately were asked not to re-enroll the boys.

With little or no choice left, Juli and David started exploring their options. They soon became aware of a place in Ft. Worth called, All Church Home. This home-like environment is a place for adolescences in crisis. With the help of trained professionals, Juli and David hoped that their boys would soon learn to live together without fighting and their family would be restored to normalcy. The boys could live there during the week, attend a local public school and come home on the weekends. The plan sounded solid and the family was very optimistic.
All Church Home gave the family another much needed break. While the facility is a great facility, it was not the right kind of place for Nelson and Tanner. Their time there did not address the specific issues the boys had. It again provided only a temporary fix.

After a short period of time at All Church Home, the boys were suspended from the Ft. Worth ISD, summoned to appear in Teen Court and sentenced to community service. The administrator at All Church Home summed up what Juli and David already knew by saying, “These two people cannot live under the same roof.” They pulled Tanner out and left Nelson there since he soon had to appear in court.
But now what? For the remainder of 8th grade and the summer before 9th grade, Juli and David did the best they could to get by with these struggling teens. When their oldest daughter said that she was afraid to go to sleep at night, Juli realized that they had more than just the twins to consider. They needed to think about the safety of their two other children, Mackenzie and Slayter. On some nights, although David is not particularly proud of it, he made the boys sleep in the garage. “It’s just what we had to do so that everyone could feel safe. We didn’t have a padded room with a lock,” said David. Of course he made sure they had a bed and the temperature outside had to be conducive, but nonetheless, they slept separate and apart from the family during these combative outbreaks.

Every so often, it seemed, they were given a small tool to help to deal with these boys. As Juli put it, “It was like a pot that was ready to explode. We found just enough at the right time to keep the lid on.” It seemed like they were running out of options and running out of time before something really serious happened.


The Proper Treatment
Just a few weeks before school started, Juli woke up one morning and knew exactly what needed to be done for the boys. She had prayed and prayed about what to do and suddenly it felt right. She knew that as much as she loved these two boys and how difficult it would be to let them go, she knew that was exactly what needed to happen. They needed to go. The place she knew they needed to go was Shelterwood.

Shelterwood is a Christ-centered residential care facility that provides counseling and support for teenagers and their families in times of crisis. Why would this facility work when All Church Home did not? It seemed a lot like All Church Home but a few things stood out to Juli and she knew these things were the missing links for their boys. The facility is completely centered in Christ. David and Juli are strong believers and had raised their children in a strong Christian faith. At Shelterwood the program encourages the teens to find solutions to their problems by turning to Christ and deepening their faith. Additionally, the facility provides an on-site accredited private school with a low teacher to student ratio allowing them individualized academic attention. Lastly, Shelterwood touts a very successful big brother/big sister program that enables these troubled students to be mentored 24/7.

After much debate, David and Juli finally agreed that Shelterwood was the place for Nelson and Tanner. With the decision made, there were plenty of details to consider. Shelterwood has two locations: one in Branson, Missouri and the other in Denver, Colorado. Which son goes to which location? When do they leave? How will we afford it? How do we get them there? After the details were ultimately worked out, Tanner went to Branson on August 8, 2005. Nelson went to Denver on August 16, 2005.

After only a few months there, David and Juli realized that the twins were exactly where they needed to be. They both agree that Tanner and Nelson each were placed with the perfect counselor for their temperament.

Although the teens are in separate states, their individual counselor asked them the same question and they had corresponding answers. When asked, “Who is Tanner?” Tanner replied, “Well, I’m not Nelson.” When asked, “Who is Nelson?” Nelson replied, “I’m not Tanner.” Even though their parents have always treated them like two individuals who happen to share the same birthday, it seems these brothers still struggled with identity issues.

Tanner has returned from his stay at Shelterwood but Nelson remains. Nelson’s return was delayed because he had a violent outbreak, which cost him three months in a Wilderness Camp.

Now Nelson looks back at how he used to feel and shared these sentiments:
“At the worst times it felt like I was at the bottom of a well looking up at the light. Everyone was in the light. I wanted to be there and I couldn’t get there. God sent down the bucket and pulled me up into the light.”

The family is optimistic about the future. From what they have experienced, so far, it seems to David and Juli that definite progress has been made. The boys really seem to have a genuine concern for each other now that they haven’t had in a long time. After only a few days with Tanner home, David said gratefully, “They gave my son back to me.”


Wendy Crooks is a freelance writer living in Plano.

Reprinted from the September 2006 Back to School issue of Frisco STYLE Magazine with permission from Style Publishing Group, LLC.

The Ward family photo in 1997     photo provided by Juli Ward