Embracing Everest
by Mark Vander Ley ©
Shelterwood Counselor
I recently read a book about a group of people who were climbing Mount Everest. The book detailed the tragedy, and triumph of the climb as several people died and several others made the summit and returned home safely. I began to wonder why people would attempt such a feat? Why do they risk pain, health, family and life just to reach the top of a mountain? As I reflected I also began to ask, why does anyone attempt anything that is difficult or challenging? I came to the conclusion that people do challenging things because they provide a sense of competence, power, confidence and excitement.
I believe it is possible for children to experience those same feelings on a daily basis when their parents provide and allow them to face their daily “Everests”. The trouble I have found is that many parents have been bombarded by our culture of fear and convinced that it is their responsibility as parents to protect their children from all the dangers of the world. Now, don’t get me wrong parents do have responsibility to protect their children from legitimate dangers. The problem is that our culture and media see danger where only a challenge exists. It is not dangerous for a child to take physical risks. Running, jumping, climbing, racing, and swimming are all physical risks that can provide the aforementioned feelings. However, many parents have made these activities so “risk free” by controlling them that they no longer offer the desired growth in confidence. “A 1991 study of 3 generations of 9 year olds found that, between 1970 and 1990, the radius around the home where children are allowed to roam on their own has shrunk to a 9 th
of what it had been in 1970.” (Louv, pg 122) We all have seen the news reports every year around Halloween about the tainted candy or the razor blades inserted into candy bars. In 1990 Joel Best found that of 76 incidents reported between 1958 and 1984
there was not one incident in which a child was seriously injured from tainted candy. (Louv) The most humorous example of our culture of fear comes from a parenting magazine in which there was an advertisement for a toddler’s walking helmet. This helmet was to protect the toddler who was learning to walk from bumping his head as he fell. It is the natural course of things to get a few bumps and bruises when one is learning to walk. I don’t want to sound careless and reckless but I do believe that those bumps and bruises are all part of how a child learns to walk.
The problem with fearful parents believing they have to protect their children from the evil lurking outside their door is that parents tend to overprotect. Over protection sends an implied message of, “I don’t believe you are capable”. Providing risk and challenge for a child sends an implied message of, “I believe in you” that is a message that I want to send! I am not saying that every family needs to start climbing mountains. However I believe that there are risks and challenges that people of all ages encounter on a daily basis. It is imperative for the character development of children that they be allowed to face those age appropriate challenges on their own with the support of loving encouragement. For a three year old it may be climbing the ladder at the park or walking over to play with the neighbor boys while parents watch. For the elementary student it is riding the bus to school, packing his own lunch, or carrying his own book bag. As a teenager it could be driving the family car, having a part time job, or handling the conflict with the principle without parent involvement. I hope that parents will begin to look at the challenges that their children face not as dangers they need protection from, but opportunities to build competence, confidence, power and excitement. These are daily opportunities for you to communicate to your child that you believe in them, without saying a word. I also hope that parents will begin to look at their fears as signals of overprotection. The fear of your child falling is a desire to protect them from the pain you anticipate they will feel. The fear of them failing a class is a desire to protect them from falling behind, not measuring up, or being unsuccessful. The irony of these fears is that protecting our children from pain, and failure can actually produce unsuccessful adults. They will have missed opportunities to learn lessons from pain and failure as a child, and have to learn those lessons as an adolescent or adult accompanied by more severe consequences. “Parents who try to ensure their children’s successes often raise unsuccessful children” (Cline, Fay, pg. 48)
The challenges that people face in life provide a sense of competence, confidence, power and excitement. We live in a culture of fear and parents have become overprotective of their children. Overprotecting our children sends the message, “I don’t believe you can do it”. Appropriate safety and allowing for risk and challenge sends the message, “I believe you are capable”. Parents can help build competence, confidence, power and excitement in their child’s life by allowing them to take age appropriate risks on a daily basis.
by Mark Vander Ley
Shelterwood Counselor
