Anger
“Be angry but don't sin” –Eph. 4:26
Parents get angry sometimes. Teenagers get angry sometimes. We all get angry. But the typical lesson on anger taught by most parents to their children is “never get angry.” It’s like teaching your kids not to eat. You say, “You kids don't eat right. You just eat junk food all the time, so here’s the new rule in this house: no more eating!” Ridiculous. Just like we need to teach our kids how to eat correctly, as parents, we need to teach our kids how to be angry correctly.
Paul the Apostle wrote tons on the issue of emotions and anger. Ephesians Chapter 4 is a blueprint on how to be angry correctly. Paul says to “get angry without sinning.” Apparently it is possible to have this thing called anger and it be okay. That word for anger is the Greek word orge, which means “a stirring of emotion that begins slowly.” Being stirred can be a good thing. But rarely do we deal with anger in a healthy and constructive way. When our emotions are stirred and we get upset, we react in several different ways.
Option 1: Stuffing
Unfortunately, we are all good at stuffing anger. Paul says in Eph. 4 “not to let the sun go down on your anger.” Our emotions are stirred about something. Instead of running that emotion through the “filter,” we typically stuff or file it away. Not good. The filter involves praying about the situation, then either confronting the issue or letting it go. Letting it go is not stuffing it. Example: I’m frustrated with my teen because he’s on the JV and not the varsity. I run it through the filter. My “anger” or stirring is really just jealousy of my neighbor’s kid being on the varsity. I don't stuff it. I’m honest about it and choose to be happy for him and let it go. God uses the emotion. The other option to stuffing is to confront. I’m stirred because my teen was rude to his sister. Weeks earlier, we’d discussed that very issue and he asked me to hold him accountable. I run it through the filter. My motive is okay. He’s my son and I want the siblings to get along. I remember Proverbs 27:6 “faithful are the wounds of a friend.” So I confront him and he’s defensive at first, but accepts the rebuke. God uses the emotion.
The stuffing option is quick and convenient, but super destructive. The “stuffed to” file cabinet is a dark and ugly place filled with past hurts and stinky trash. Too many files can lead to bad anger, which the Greek calls thumos. Paul uses that word for anger too, but in a negative sense. Part of what we do at Shelterwood is unload that filing cabinet. Not easy, but so freeing. We’re at our best when the file cabinet is empty. We’re the healthiest emotionally when we’re about the 1 Cor. 13 principle of “not taking into account wrongs suffered.”
So keep that filter system running today. When, not if, you become stirred or angry, run it through the filter system. Don't react, but pray and then act. Either let it go- really let it go or confront the situation. Your teen knows more about your issues than you think. They are modeling what they see and experience. This is all a part of “training up.” Take a deep breath and let God use your anger in a healthy way as you run it through the filter and avoid the stuffing.
Option 2: Shifting
“Be angry but…let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth” –Eph. 4
We’ve been discussing anger. Lesson 1 was about stuffing. Sometimes when we get angry, instead of dealing with the anger, we stuff it and file it away. It’s efficient but damaging. But when we filter through the source of the anger, we discover it’s either helpful or hurting. Either way, we act on the anger and put it away or use it to confront a brother.
Blame shifting is the process where responsibility for a problem is shifted from one person to another. When a problem presents itself and we get angry, often we look for a person to blame. We prefer to point the finger at someone else. When the accident occurs, we blame the highway department; when the team loses, we blame the coach; when the storm hits, we blame the National Weather Service; when the oil slick appears, we blame the government. More importantly here, when our teenager is less than what we expect, we blame them. Why? Because if someone else is at the source of the problem, then we have no responsibility to fix the problem and our anger is justified.
When we are “stirred” or angered over something, we reach a crossroads every time. Do we own the emotion and deal with it in a healthy way or do we look for someone to blame? We’d rather critique and judge someone else for creating the situation that stirred us. It’s the easier route. Then we can gripe and complain all day long. But if we own our part in the difficulty, then we are required to help solve the problem in a constructive way.
In Ephesians Chapter 4, Paul challenges us to “be angry but don't sin.” Then he challenges us to own the anger. “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth except that it’s good for edification, for the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” In other words, help solve the problem. My mom used to say, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.” That’s sound wisdom, but this goes deeper. If you don't have anything good to think in your heart about someone, then do something about it.” Either forgive, confront, or drop it.
We counteract shifting when we own it. Grace is a powerful thing. It’s a Monday night with our teenager. The track meet went late and she is behind in studying for the test tomorrow. We’re angry because she might do poorly on the test tomorrow. Don't gripe at them. Choose to own it and help her study. Take her a snack. Edify. Help the need. Give grace. That is Paul’s challenge.
Shifting points the finger at someone else. Love points the finger at me and challenges me to do something edifying with my “stirring up” or anger. It’s always the best choice to love your teenager.
Option 3: Putting Away
“Be angry but… put away all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander along with all malice” -Eph. 4
We continue to discuss anger and how to deal with it in a healthy way in our families. In lesson 1 we discussed the tendency to stuff anger. Lesson 2 was about shifting. Blame shifting is the process where responsibility for a problem is shifted from one person to another. When a problem presents itself and we get angry, often we look for someone to blame. We prefer to point the finger at someone else.
But love points the finger at ourselves and challenges us to do something edifying with our “stirring up” or anger. It’s always the best choice to love your teenager.
It’s true that any healthy relationship has struggles. Every family deals with anger issues. Paul’s continues his challenge on anger in Ephesians chapter 4. He challenges us to use anger in a positive way and then get rid of it. Specifically, he says to “put it away.” When my kids were little we always had “put the toys away” time after they’d left their toys all over the house. We had a wooden toy box that sat in our living room that stored all the toys. But the toys didn't jump into the box. It required the kids to pick up the toys and put them into the box and shut the top. When the toys were “put way,” they weren’t there to play with anymore. Paul is reminding us, whether the anger is appropriate or not, to get rid of it quickly.
Paul specifically lists 6 “toys” to put away: bitterness (“bitter-hatred”), wrath (outward anger), anger (the same word used for good anger), clamor (shouting), slander (intent to injure) and malice (to wish ill-will). What a gross list of fleshly, damaging emotions. Putting them away means I bury them. It means I let them go. It means I shut the lid on the toy box and turn the latch. It means I move on.
It’s interesting that Paul says to put away the very “anger” he said was positive. He’s reminding us that even justified and useful anger needs to be buried and forgotten.
The family is such a dynamic, interacting machine. Emotions come and go as they’re stirred up in relationships. As you work through issues with your kids, when the issues are resolved, don't hold on to the anger. Like a cancer, anger not put away can morph and grow into destructive emotions that will harm the relationship.
Remember, when destructive emotions are correctly put away, the home becomes a place of peace.
Option 4: Putting On
“Be angry and …be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” -Eph. 4:32
This is the last discussion on anger and how to deal with it in a healthy way in our families. We’ve discussed stuffing and shifting anger. And we explored putting away our anger lest it develop into deeper anger.
Paul emphasized that we need to put away negative emotions. But he concludes Chapter 4 in Ephesians with a challenge to put on the 3 positive things. Paul is reminding us to be angry and don't sin, then move on and put it all away; then put the top layer of icing on the cake by doing these things for that family member.
First, Paul says to put on “kindness to one another.” That’s the Greek word Chrestia which means “to help someone suitable for a need.” In other words, reach out and help the very person with whom you were angry. Yep, things were pretty tense a few hours ago. Yep, it took some time to work through the issue in love. But past is past. Now is now and there’s no better way to show love than by being kind. You know your family well. You know your teenager- do something kind for them.
Secondly, Paul says to be tenderhearted. That’s the Greek word eusplanchnoi. It means to “show affection.” Apparently doing something nice is great, but having a soft heart towards that person means I’m not afraid to show affection. Give your unhuggable teen a hug. Deep inside, he’ll like it and others will notice it too.
And lastly, we’re challenged to forgive one another. It’s the cherry on top. It’s the word charizomai, which is “being gracious as a favor.” When we forgive, we show grace. When we experience grace, we’re gracious. Our teen hurt us badly, but we’ve worked through the issue. It's in the past. Now we need to forgive and move on. Why? Because that’s what Christ did for us.
Paul said in Eph. 4, “be angry but do not sin.” He literally used the word orge which means “to be stirred up.” It’s helpful when used in a constructive way, but potent when negative. Every family deals with anger. It’s not a matter of “if” but “when.” Using the anger in a constructive way then putting it away helps produce peace in the home. Putting on an attitude of forgiveness and kindness helps maintain that peace in the future.
by Joseph Staples ©
