Forgive & Forget?
“Forgive and Forget” has been a phrase that most of us have known, and have likely used at one time or another. It seems like an ideal that all individuals should strive for in healthy relationships. However, the problem is that, we as humans are not good “forgetters.” In fact, more often than not, the more we try to forget something, the more we end up rehearsing it and committing it to memory. In his book Hate-Work, author David Augsburger believes that we all find a “place for our grief, rage, and resentment in our memory.”
The difficult reality is that we were designed to remember. Our choice then is not to remember or forget, but to choose the manner in which we will remember the wrongs committed against us. In the same book, Augsburger states that, “people need to remember their story, tell it with historical accuracy, recall the injuries given and received, and do reparative work or they are very likely to repeat it in painful detail. Simple forgetting, repressing of memories, substituting disinformation holds an [individual] hostage to his past.” It is therefore over simplistic and unrealistic to hold ourselves to the idea of “forgiving and forgetting.” We can, however, examine the manner in which we remember those who have wronged us. How will we model for our children how to practice forgiveness in their own lives?
Reflect on the following “Exploration Inventory” from the book Hate Work. It has been modified from how it was originally printed to fit common experiences we often find in the families we work with at Shelterwood:
- Are there members in my extended family whom I have emotionally cut off, who were previously connected with me but are no longer so?
- Do I have hurtful relationships with my spouse or children that I cannot stop reviewing?
- Do I realize what payoff I get from rehearsing an offense over and over?
- How often have I told and retold the story of the offense to others to gain their support and validation of my role as victim?
(by Ryan Federick)
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 09/04 at 11:16 AM
Ya know as short a time as we had together and got to (counsel) our wisdom this is really the biggest impact area that helps with me and my family. Thanks.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 11/04 at 07:55 PM
Forgiveness
“But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.” –Mark 11:26
Someone said, “There is no better freedom than forgiveness. ”Forgiveness is absolutely crucial to a vibrant and growing life with Christ. Jesus taught in Mark 11:26 that if we harbor resentment towards a brother or sister, we cannot have a healthy relationship with our loving God. Of course, we are forgiven, once and for all, when we confess our sin and acknowledge Jesus’ death on the cross for our sin. But we cannot experience that forgiveness when we do not forgive.
Is it difficult for you to forgive? Do you have trouble in letting the past be past? It can be very difficult. Steve Goodier tells the story about an elderly Virginian woman who lived to see her beloved Richmond occupied by Union troops after the American Civil War. The matron was walking down a Richmond street when she tripped over a step and fell. A Union soldier courteously helped her up. “How very kind of you, young man,” she said acidly. “If there is a cool spot in hell, I hope you get it.”
Maybe it was still a bit early for her to let go of those deep-seated resentments.
But angry and bitter lives are never happy lives.
A beautiful legend tells of an African tribe that ritualizes forgiveness. When a tribe member acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he/she is taken to the center of the village. All work ceases and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused. Then the tribe bombards the rejected person with affirmations! One at a time, friends and family enumerate all the good the individual has done. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with some detail and accuracy is recounted. All their positive attributes, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. Finally, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the outcast is welcomed back into the tribe.
What a beautiful ritual of restoration! They replace hurt with happiness; pain with peace. Once again they are family. The rejected one is restored and the village is made whole again.
Paul Boese has said, “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” As brothers and sisters in our global village, is letting go of those resentments really an option?
Pray for a heart that forgives. Don’t let the “sun go down” on your anger today. Like Paul said, “put it away.” Maybe you have good reason to be angry (like Joseph, which we’ll discuss another day), but let it go.
Practicing forgiveness allows us to experience the forgiveness of Christ- and there is no better freedom.
by Joseph Staples ©
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 04/29 at 11:20 AM
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Health
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 05/05 at 06:21 AM
