Shelterwood

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A Mother’s Story

Our Daughter is now 9, she had detachment disorder and yet attached to us; her 7th foster family. She has full FASD, sensory processing disorder, anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and more.  She is learning quite well and teaching us so very much.

Consistency, routine, firmness like the army in a way, works very well with love attached to it. Many people do not understand and ridicule how I parent, but I forgive them and understand their ignorance's and let it go. I tell them, breathe and let it go as you seem to not understand and I get that. How could you, when you have not lived in our shoes or done the work we have about her.
 
Any parent with FASD kids, if you are the bio parent; first you need to quit drinking and enjoy naturally, next forgive yourself. You can not cry about the past once you have repented. To repent you ask God for forgiveness, yourself and the child's forgiveness. Next, learn learn learn , read read read, get to an FASD association group or key worker for support. You will need as much support as possible. It is a very hard job raising an  FASD child, sensory processing disorder , OCD, ADD etc as well.  FASD is for life and it will not cure or go away. Life becomes much harder for these children from puberty on. The world is abstract and they can not understand abstract. They sound and look like they understand and that is why they are so very misunderstood.
They can pull up answers for almost any question they have heard before, but do not get what they are being asked or answering many times. They fog out and have off days, hey who doesn't but theirs are on over load. These kids see and hear everything, their minds scan all. The sounds of florescent lights and the flashes of them, we do not see and of computer monitors.They do. They hear every sound , taste and feel is off from what we call the norm. Even a set of ear plugs help them to filter out and be able to think more clearly. Special coloured plastic overlays from FASD associaltions or OT;s will help the letters stand out better on a page when reading.There are many aids to comfort them while in and out of school and make their life and yours more comfortable. Some need to wear weighted vests and they all need soft materials in clothing and tags taken off. Alway use sunglasses and hats.Hats in school filter the florescent lights as well. These kids over heat easily, so they need to check their back of their necks to see if they are hot and reminded constantly to drink water.Crowds and places like dysney land are usually far too overwhelming for these kids. They get headaches and their mind goes like they are on drugs. It spins. Most suffer from depression as too many people are hard on them and kids tease them. They need pick me up talks, Short and sweet ones and need lots of praise and often.With this they will thrive. My Daughter loves the bubble wrap to pop and sooth her. Loud noises, high pitches are far too hard for these kids/people to handle.Get ear plugs made for them. Some places have inhome ones instead of sending out for them to be made. These are made by a nontoxic silicone mold being made in the ears and are far less expensive than the sent out for , ones.
 
There  are great books for parents, teachers and camp leaders etc to read about these kids,. Two are :
    The Out of Sync Child.1 & 2. and  Too loud, too bright, too fast, too tight.

FASD associations have many ideas for books and all need to read them, even if you do not like to read... For their sake and yours, it is essential. Things will make sense then and you will say through out these books," oh my word, that is my child. Now I get it"...You will feel a sense of ,now I can go on...now I understand..
 
Always reminding yourself as a parent or worker that these kids look like they get it, but they do not all the time.  Their minds are programed to be pleasers and they are followers. They should not be blamed for misbehaving, punishing these kids is useless and they do not get abstract. If you must, then a short time out and tell them to repeat in their head what they did wrong and say to themselves, I can not do that again, this is what I should of done instead... But do not expect them to remember that. They have memory loss and can not control that.  They remember some things and but not others.
 
When they are on overload, they need to breath gently and put their heads down or more so to (if they can stand cuddling) to go sit in a bean bag or hanging hammock chair. That does wonders for these kids. Some though, can not stand to be touched or hugged as their pain sensors are the other way. Either they like tight hugs or no touch. For no touch ask them what settles them down and learn to let them do that. These kids will tell you what they need if you let them. And that is OK. People are too caught up in " a child will not tell me what to do", but they came from God as we, but earlier, and they still have that knowledge of what God wants for them and the truth. So watch and ask.
 
 My Daughter has to fidget with her fingers to think. Too many say stop that. She needs too and who is it hurting? So we have fun dollar store bracelets and rubbery textured dollar balls she uses to hold and fidget with. Some can stand blinking lights and some get over stimulated..find the peace and balance by asking them. A room with few things, but all things should have labels and always be in order and tidy. They can not take out of order. If my house gets messy, my Daughter gets hyper and doesn't think clearly..looks like she is being "bad" but she is not , there is a reason that is wreaking havoc on her brain. This is not her fault nore can she control that any more than you can biologically change your eye colour.
 
People please,never ever use words like, you are bad, you are a brat, you are hyper etc....rather  ask," you seem out of sorts, what can we do to help you calm and feel better?"  All people, teens and kids should have our full understanding? Our lives will then be easier as well. There are no bad kids, there are sick kids, mislead kids, misunderstood kids and it is us who are acting bad for not understanding that. God would not say to them, you are too hyper, you are a brat , i can't take it anymore why are you doing this to me? So why would we say it?
 
We need to remember that there is no perfect person or brain, except Jesus'. God's. We are all disabled beings and Spirits here to learn to be better. We all have disabilities and we all need to learn tolerance, humility and empathy and understanding, all through love for one another. Lets start with our kids and those we teach or work with and move on to the rest. There is never reason to be angry. Nobody can push our buttons, as that button has never been found. Nobody can make us angry, as that is only our personal choice to be angry or understanding. All our choices.
 
Please people, if you are going to work with kids or have kids, you must learn about each one individually and accept that they may have a disorder, that is not in their control. It is how we treat them that matters, not what they do. Love and consistency is the main asset in all relationships and far too many people do not make time for it.Life is only as busy as you want it to be and make it to be. Slow down! Have less, have calm times each day and Love more than you think you are already doing.Always.

I found information about Shelterwood on the internet and was very impressed. I live too far away sadly, but for any that can enroll their children in Shelterwood, please do. I can see from a letter I recieved and from their info, just how much they care about kids and how kids would benefit from spending time there. How can anyone go wrong with any place that cares, takes time to learn about kids and teaches about God, positive and good?
 
I have sensory processing disorder and only found out what it was a couple of years ago. Thanks to the Lord bringing this child into my life. I was a teen drug addict and an adult alcholic. The past 17 years I have learned to live a different life and have Faith in God. Life makes sense now!

Thank you for listening.
Hugs: Linda Fischer; Early Childhood Educator and Mother.

Posted by John DeVries on 08/11 at 02:35 PM

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Friday, July 23, 2010

Fun with the Students

I think any guy with much camping experience will tell you that there’s really nothing like sitting around a campfire at night enjoying deep conversations. But how much greater is that experience when you get to be a big brother to those people, discussing life and staring into a slowly dying fire? Those are the kinds of experiences I treasure as a big brother. Every part of the canoe trip was exciting to me while we were driving down, pitching our tents, wading through the knee-deep creek hunting for crawdads, watching the fireflies at night lighting up like I had never seen before, and floating down the river trying to avoid getting my boat flipped by an overzealous little brother. I just genuinely enjoy being able to be barefoot for a couple days and getting some wet grass between my toes. Now I’m starting to worry that all this Missouri air is starting to get to me. It’s pretty amazing being able to take a bunch of guys from all different places out of their element and spend some time in nature and out of the artificial.

I remember waking up one morning and only half awake, I walked down to the fire and plopped down on a cooler. It was great just sitting there watching some guys cook our breakfast in a skillet on the fire. Actually, we accidentally left our spatula for the trip back home so we had to find the cleanest stick we could off the ground to stir the scrambled eggs. The little brothers would trickle in toward the fire and after a while they would reach for some breakfast and then eventually woke up enough to string whole words together. So we sat around the fire there again enjoying a slow morning, eating a hot breakfast, and spending time building relationships and telling stories. It’s genuinely a delight to be involved in something where this is considered my job. I love these moments in life and being able to be a part of someone else’s journey and getting the chance to help someone heal away from such negative influences is priceless.

I’ve actually spend my whole life growing up in the Ozarks so camping is almost second nature to me, but there’s always something special about climbing back into your bed when you get back. It’s like my dad used to say, his favorite part about eating ice cream is the cold glass of water afterward. Surprisingly, I think my favorite part of the canoe trip was coming back to the house with the guys. We all have the same bug bites, the same memories, and we all long for the same air conditioning. That’s when I feel really bonded with the little brothers. We shared a few days together outside of our comfort zone, taking in the elements but finally we’re back enjoying the fulfillment to our longing for safety and comfort. And as a big brother that is what brings me, far and above the greatest joy, to be able to provide the little brothers with a sense of safety and comfort.

Posted by John DeVries on 07/23 at 11:27 AM

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Friday, June 04, 2010

Taking advice

“Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory” -Prov. 11:14

The professional counseling profession has burst on to the scene in the last 30 years and is firmly entrenched in the fabric of today’s society. From Dr. Phil to Dr. Lara, from Internet sites to Facebook sites, from L.P.C.’s to M.D.’s, from workbooks to library books, counseling is playing a huge part in helping a hurting world.

The focus on helping inward issues is to be applauded, particularly in a society that is slow to take true responsibility for problems. While we don't need to shy away from asking for help, we do need to be careful whom we seek as our source of help.

My son-in-law Mark was telling me the story about a well-meaning radio announcer that was helping her audience prepare for the pending hurricane to hit her listening area. “Fill the bathtub with water in case electricity goes out, then you’ll have a water source for drinking and cooking,” she announced. As the hurricane made landfall, that same announcer instructed any listeners still in the area to “take shelter in the middle rooms of your house. If it’s the bathroom, sit in the tub and put mattresses over your head for protection.” A panicked women immediately called in and asked, “Won't I get all wet if I sit in the tub?” Advice comes in a variety of flavors and colors- some of it helps and some of it hinders.

Having a few letters after a name and a shingle in the front of an office does not guarantee good counsel. And, I’m embarrassed to mention, calling oneself a “Christian Counselor” doesn't guarantee good counseling either. I heard a psychiatrist say once that he was looking for a true Christian colleague that would come practice in his clinic. He got a call from a friend he remembered from medical school years earlier. “Thanks for inquiring, but I had no idea you were a Christian Counselor,” the psychiatrist commented. “Oh, I can be any kind of Counselor you want me to be,” said the friend, “I just need a job.” Scary.

So, whether it be your teenager, your marriage, or yourself, seek out help from the many excellent Counselors that have dedicated their lives to being people helpers. But be wise. Here are three basic filters I would run through every potential Counselor before choosing: 1) Be sure the Counselor has professional training in being a people helper. Make sure the Counselor is licensed as a professional Counselor, which assures you that they have the degrees, training (thousands of hours) and competence to truly help. 2) Be sure the Counselor has a pure and vibrant relationship with Jesus Christ. Have them tell you their spiritual journey. Every Counselor bases their Counseling on something. Be sure yours is on Jesus. 3) Be sure the Counselor has a good reputation. Call around. Find out who has been to this Counselor. Make sure the Counselor fits you.

I am so thankful that God has gifted so many professionals with skills to help the hurting and heal the wounded. When you encounter difficulty personally or within your family, be willing to let someone “bear the load” with you. But be careful and prayerful as you find the right person.

Don't get caught sitting in a bathtub full of water.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 06/04 at 10:33 AM

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Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Ingredients

“Where there is no plan, the people perish” -Proverbs 29:18

As I’ve counseled with families over the years, I’ve often heard parents say, “This parenting job is crazy! I just wish I had a recipe to show me how to do it all correctly.” I’ve often wished for that recipe or formula in many areas of my life.

I remember once in college I went goose hunting with my dad and 3 older brothers in south Texas. We had a blast (pun intended) and I brought one of the geese back with me to Waco. I planned to cook it for a pre-Thanksgiving meal that my roommates and I had planned. But the day got busy and the next thing I knew, I only had an hour to cook the goose for our 6 o’clock dinner. Not having a recipe, I improvised and used my logical male mind: turn up the heat to 400, put the goose on a tray and cook away! We prepared the mashed potatoes and green beans and had it all on the table as we waited for the goose to be ready. The timer went off and I took the goose out of the oven and set it on the table. Do you remember the turkey in the movie “Christmas vacation?” That’s exactly what the goose looked like. It was like eating beef jerky. Terrible. But at least the mashed potatoes were good. The problem was I had no recipe.

Another cooking adventure for me was a mayonnaise cake I made for Jeanie. I have no idea why I was making a cake, but I do remember following the recipe and putting the mayonnaise in the cake, cooking it, and the cake tasting like…mayonnaise. The problem wasn’t being without a recipe. The problem was I had a recipe that didn't taste very good.

My last cooking fiasco involved one of my favorite meals. To this day, I’m famous in the Staples household for making meatloaf. I make all kinds of varieties. One day, I decided to branch out on my own and serve a creative meat loaf I’d invented. I put cheese in the middle of the meatloaf. I figured it would taste like a cheeseburger. Well, the cheese in the middle of the meatloaf melted and when we cut into the meatloaf, the cheese melted all over the knife and plate. I had a recipe and it tasted good, but I added to it and ruined it.

I’m reminded that God has given us the recipe for parenting through His words to us in the Bible. Scripture is packed with great recipes for success in preparing our teens. Here are some recipe ingredients:

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” –Proverbs 22:6
“Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul” - Proverbs 29:17
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” - Ephesians 6:4.

There are many more important principles there for the picking in Scripture. The recipes definitely exist and are all applicable to families. Some parents don't parent at all. Their children are an interruption to their lives. Other parents choose to parent “by their own devices.” They have no plan and fall back on their own logic and desires. And still other parents have the recipe for parenting and desire to cook a great meal, but then add to the recipe.

Choose your recipe for parenting carefully and stick to the ingredients and instructions. No meal is perfect, but turkey tastes pretty good when it’s cooked by the recipe.

Next we’ll focus on one of the best meals I’ve ever prepared in “Recipes, part 2.”

By Eric Joseph staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 06/01 at 05:29 PM

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Recipes

“The works of His hands are faithful and just…” –Psalm 111:7

Over the years I have had the privilege of dining at the tables of some of the world’s best cooks: my mom, Jeanie, Mamaw, Granny, Elizabeth, Holly, and my Aunt Chloe are and were all phenomenal cooks. From crawfish ettouffee to sweet tea, I can still taste their meals. They were good cooks for two reasons: they knew how to follow a recipe and they knew how to apply that recipe to fit their guests.

Faithful parents do the same thing. They follow God’s plans and recipes in raising their kids and make those principles fit each unique child. That's what we're teaching the families involved with us in Shelterwood.

With all due respect to these and other phenomenal cooks, the best meal I remember eating wasn’t prepared by any of them. As a matter of fact, it came out of a can!

Almost 20 years ago, I headed up a 5 day canoe trip on the Buffalo National River in Northen Arkansas. I took 22 teenagers and Staff from Shelterwood on a 22 mile canoe trip in the middle of July. For 5 days we slept outside on gravel bars and cooked our meals on open fires. The canoeing was perfect as the water level wasn’t so high that it made the canoeing difficult but not so low that we had to drag canoes. We fished and swam and had a blast. But, we also nearly ran out of food (my fault) and five days is a long time for a bunch of guys to go without junk food. So, when we reached our last camping spot, I quickly prepared the dinner I had saved for the last meal: Dinty Moore beef stew. I emptied all the cans in a huge pot, heated it over the fire and we all ate till we were full. We had never tasted anything so good. Every bite was precious.

Though I didn't make the stew, I was more than happy to follow someone else’s recipe and deliver the meal in a can. That’s so important if we’re to be a faithful parents. We don't have to blaze our own trail and come up with our own recipe. We don't have to fret and worry and “control’ all the ingredients that are a part of our child’s growth. Like the Dinty Moore, we release, submit and trust another cook. When I opened the cans, they weren’t full of sand and grass clippings. They were full of nourishing food. God promises that if we prayerfully submit ourselves to His plans for our children, that He’ll produce circumstances in their lives to make them into a good meal. There are no guarantees since there’s still that element of choice- but God is faithful to love gently and intently.

Good cooks make the recipe fit the occasion. I didn't serve liver and onions to the guys that last night of the canoe trip. Honestly, I think I could have served boiled shoe leather and nails that day and the group would have loved it. But the recipe fit the need. If we’ll get out of God’s way, He’ll make the circumstance fit our teen every time. They may be tough and challenging and sometimes down right hurtful, but they’re guaranteed to be loving and helpful. Too often we jump in to take the blow and we rob our kids of the life lessons they need and even desire.

May we be faithful parents that aren't too proud to submit ourselves to the Master Chef in letting him cook and create that wonderful meal we call our children.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 06/01 at 05:28 PM

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Friday, May 28, 2010

Down time

“…there is a Sabbath of complete rest” -Ex. 31:15

Newsflash: there’s been an increase in the pace of the family! OK, not exactly a new observation, but families that used to cruise at 50 mph now travel at 100 mph. Certainly fueled by the acceleration of electronics, what was fast 20 years ago is not acceptable today. 120 years ago, if someone missed the stagecoach, they unpacked their bags and planned to catch another coach the next month. Today, if the plane is delayed a few minutes, the crowd freaks out.

Certainly, cell phones and computers have increased organization and productivity, but in the family, they have also increased the stress level. Today’s teenagers live at a frantic pace so different from my teenage years of the 70’s. I recall afternoons coming home from school, grabbing a snack from the kitchen and watching Gilligan’s Island on TV. I played sports and during those seasons, we had practices every afternoon, but only during the seasons. Summers were spent at camp and just “hanging out” with my family and friends.

Today, year-round sports mean the domination of athletics 365 days a year. A friend told me the other day that his son’s football coach was reluctantly giving his players a week off in the summer. Crazy. Year-round schooling and academic pressures demand that teens spend more time than ever in the books. The increase in “electronics” means that text messages, email, and phone calls are accessible all the time.

As parents, we need to help dictate the pace of the family. I’m not suggesting we live like the Jews of old who wouldn't even walk more than 8 steps on the Sabbath. We don't need to pull our kids out of sports or take away their cell phones. But I am suggesting that parents prayerfully step into the pace of the family. Kids and teenagers (and adults) all need down time. And the “down” is different for all of us. Today, as I was praying with Jeanie, I prayed, “Lord, thank you for a restful day.” Jeanie asked me later “was today really restful? You mowed the yard and cleaned out gutters.” “Yes,” I replied. “It was restful because I chose what I wanted to do.” Stress ensues when our schedules are dictated for us. Sure, ultimately our time is God’s time and we yield to His will, but we make loving choices everyday to make wise choices in setting our schedules.

Parents, step up and in and help your teenager set boundaries. Help them establish “gaps” in their schedule. Every hour doesn't have to be filled with an activity. Don't dictate to them but teach them. Of course, it's easier to teach what we practice, so take inventory of your own pace first. We all need down time to just chill and read, exercise, watch TV, mow grass and most importantly, spend time with family and with God.

Make down time a priority for your family. Unplug the electronics and enjoy the time of Sabbath.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/28 at 12:02 PM

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Perspective

“Then Jesus said to His disciples…follow me” –Matt. 16:24

Navigating the ocean called parenthood is tough. Sometimes the waters are calm, but most of the time the waters are pretty rough. As we sail along, we all want to be sure we’re making the right decisions for our precious kids. We make small decisions and huge decisions every day.

I have never seen the television show Parenthood, but I doubt there’s any way a show on TV can truly capture the adventure and challenge of parenting. What most entertainment about parenting misses is the genuine concern and love that we as parents have for our kids. But it’s so easy to lose perspective when we’re in the middle of all the detail.

I’ve been in Kansas City the past few days. I was following a friend who lives here to dinner and another friend in my car said, “Do we know where we’re going?” I said, “No, but our buddy in front of us knows exactly where we’re going- we just have to keep up with him.” The friend and I looked at each other. It was one of the times when you’ve said a lot more than you realize.

Parenting is like that. Sure, there is a human element to all the decision-making and responsibility. But we don't have to figure it all out. Out prayerful role, as parents, is to follow the one who knows where He’s taking us. We may not like the pace or the direction, but our loving God does not require a map or a GPS. He is a Master navigator and if we choose to stay behind Him, the ride will be okay. Not necessarily easy, but okay.

Last week, when I was flying back from Fort Worth, I looked out of the window of the American Airlines jet and the cloud canopy was so beautiful. I took the picture attached, but it doesn't do justice to how beautifully God had arranged His clouds. As I looked down at the serenity and peaceful scene, it occurred to me that things might not be so peaceful on the other side. I remembered that I was flying over Oklahoma and Arkansas and that they were supposed to be getting thunderstorms. Calm on my side but rough on the other side. It’s all about perspective- all about which side of the clouds we’re on.

As a parent, do I choose to be under the clouds or over the clouds? A wife asked her husband, “How are you doing?” The husband replied, “Oh, okay under the circumstances.” The wife replied, “What are you doing under there?” As a parent, be sure you stay above the clouds. Not only is it more beautiful but the perspective is so much bigger and wider.

So, slow down your vehicle and get back in the right lane behind the loving God that knows what He’s doing and has the highest perceptive. Make the “no passing zone” apply to every moment of your life as you stay above the clouds, loving and nurturing your precious teenagers.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/28 at 12:00 PM

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Feeling the pain

I am a “people-helper” by profession. One of my greatest struggles in parenting has been knowing when to and when not to fix things. I am a fixer. Not that I can fix everything, but I get fixated on fixing. I step into a problem, immediately analyze, size up the options and then move to correct the situation. That works well when fixing a car or managing a business, but not so well when raising kids. Remember, the goal in parenting isn't to catch fish, but to teach our children how to catch fish. When we start to fix the problem, we’re taking on the responsibility and the pain of the situation. Our teenagers need to feel the pain. Sure, it’s hard to watch our kids hurt, but good can come out of tragedy.

“Opie the birdman” is one of my favorite Andy Griffith episodes. Opie is having a grand old time with his new slingshot. He’s shooting trees and rocks. His father had warned him to be careful with it but when he inadvertently kills a bird, he is genuinely heart broken. He tries to get the bird to fly, but to no avail. Opie finally breaks down and tells his father what he has done but the real problem is that there are three newborns in the nest. Opie decides that he is going to raise them and he meticulously cares for them. In a funny scene, Barney tries to assure Opie and Andy that he’s an expert on raising birds. He evens tries to convince them he knows how to interpret a bird’s whistles. Opie works hard raising the birds he names “Wynken, Blynken, and Nod,” but he eventually comes to the realization however that he will also have to let them go free. In the last scene, Andy nudges Opie into letting the birds out of the cage. As they fly away, Opie replies, “My, doesn't the cage look empty?” Andy replies, “Yes, but don’t the trees seem full?”

Call me a softie, but I cry every time I see that episode. I cry because I’m laughing so hard as Barney whistles the different ways that birds talk to each other: “There’s a cat…run away…OK.” But I’m also crying because of the love Andy has for his son. After Opie tells Andy he killed the mother bird, Andy opens the window of Opie’s room and has him sit and listen to the baby birds calling for their mother. Andy says, “Sorry isn't going to bring the bird back. You can just sit and listen to those birds calling for their mom who’s not coming back.” That probably sounds harsh to some parents. Some parents would have cuddled their son, drying his tears saying, “Oh, that’s okay, that ‘ole robin shouldn't have been in our trees anyway.” That son learns that whenever he makes a mistake, he has zero responsibility to fix it. He learns that any mistake is okay, therefore, he can do whatever he wants.

In the next scene, Opie embraces responsibility for the baby birds and takes pride in caring for them. In that way, he releases the guilt from the mistake by putting his hands on taking responsibility for the problem. All kids (and adults) need that opportunity.

So, take care of your teenager and show grace when appropriate, but let them feel some sting. Loving sorrow can be a healthy thing. Let them take the car to get fixed. Let them pay off the parking ticket. Let them do their own laundry. Simply put, let them grow up and take responsibility for their lives.

It may make you feel a bit uncomfortable and empty, but it will make your kids more confident and full.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/28 at 11:40 AM

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Gold

“But where can wisdom be found? Pure gold cannot be given in exchange for it, gold or glass cannot equal it, nor can it be exchanged for articles of fine gold” -Job 28:17

We often hear, “that kind of wisdom is as good as gold.” The very best wisdom is even better than gold. I read the other day that one gold field in South Africa alone has produced 49.4 million ounces of gold. Using an average of $395 per ounce as an example, that represents a gold mine of over $19 billion.

Imparting wisdom to teenagers is important. No one denies that part of our responsibility as parents is to teach and instruct our teenagers. Parents have lived a lot of life and learned a lot of lessons. As a child, parental wisdom is sometimes hard to understand. As a teenager, we’re convinced we have all the wisdom we need. And as an adult, we mostly crave any wisdom our parents are willing to give us.

I remember asking my dad some future questions when I was finishing my college degree and unsure of what direction to go. I asked him his advice. He said, “Joey, I think you’ll do well wherever you go.” Not exactly the answer I was wanting. I was counting on him to choose my profession. But there was wisdom in his answer. It wasn’t about how I’d make a living, but about me being Joey. It was my decision to make, not his to provide.

But there is parenting wisdom that we don't withhold from our kids. We provide precious wisdom when we empathize with our kids and bring focus to life issues that our teen is crying out for help to solve. “Mom, I’m terrible with relationships. I just don't get it,” your daughter cries. You reply, “Well honey, let me tell you about a couple of boyfriends I had back in the day and what I learned from those relationships.” That kind of wisdom is as good as gold to your teen. Seeing that you can relate to her not only provides wise words but provides life wisdom.

There is another kind of wisdom and it’s worth much more than anything we or this world can provide. It’s the wisdom of God. It’s the wisdom found in the Word of God, found in God’s truth spoken through other believers and found in the Holy Spirit’s words through prayer. I can remind someone to be a good listener, but when I remind someone of James 1:19, to “be quick to listen, and slow to speak” it carries a different weight. Not that there’s something mystical about the words, but the foundation behind the words adds weight to it’s meaning. We show wisdom as parents when we usher our kids to God’s wisdom. And, of course, we usher advice the best when we’re living out the example of following God’s wisdom ourselves.

Help create wisdom in your teenager by sharing life lessons when you can. But remember, you’ll help them the most when you lead them to the definition of wisdom- God Himself.

No amount of gold rivals God’s loving and peaceful wisdom.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/28 at 11:38 AM

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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Drama Kings and Queens

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” - Rom. 12:15

I read a survey today of 340,000 Americans that said that after we turn 50, we are generally happier. The 30-50 age was less happy and the most stressed out group was 20-30. The study didn't survey teenagers, but I wonder if the 13-18 group would top all the age groups on feeling stressed. Today’s teens especially carry a pretty hefty load of issues on their shoulders every day. Of course, the load is relative to the degree that we learn to be content. That’s why the older we get, the more at peace we become. But teenagers are just beginning to deal with life’s up’s and down’s.

Sometimes your teen may seem to be overly sensitive. And the more you try to help them, the more he or she may cry or sob. The guys will be better stuffers and will tend to funnel all their emotions into the one they know best: anger. Girls tend to be more expressive and deliberate in their emotions.

I remember one night when Elizabeth came home from cheering at a basketball game. She made it to the steps coming up from our basement and fell to her knees sobbing. I thought she’d broken up with her boyfriend or been in a bad accident. She announced that someone had backed into her car in the high school parking lot. I looked at her car and it didn't even do much damage. I laughed and gave her a big hug. Another time she called home from college in tears and upset. As she cried, I figured she’d been kicked out of school or arrested. She announced, “Daddy, I dropped my cell phone in the fountain.” I just started laughing again. I was so relieved. It made her laugh too. “It’s OK darlin,” I said. “We’ll get you another phone.”

The point is that a part of being a teenager is feeling things intensely. I probably shouldn't have laughed with Elizabeth because what may seem trivial to us as parents is huge to them. But I was so relieved. As parents who have dealt with heavier issues, getting bumped by a car is small beans. But to our kids, these events are huge.

We need to be careful that we validate our teen’s emotions. As parents, we tend to trivialize events and happenings in the lives of our teens. Though dropping a cell phone or struggling with a friend at school or having a bad baseball practice or having a zit may seem small to us, to our kids, it’s huge and we need to feel the pain with them. The danger, if we discard these events, is that our teens will stop telling us about events in their lives.

Yes, hormones are pumping and our teens may seem irrational at times, but show your teenager that you love them by listening to them in the midst of the drama. Don't offer advice or minimize the problem, just listen and sympathize.

Yep, you may have a drama queen (or king) on your hands. But be sure you take them by the hand and show them you love them by being with them through the problem.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/25 at 10:20 AM

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Memories from our Director

What a privilege it’s been to be a part of the Doulos ministries mission. When I jumped on board the Doulos bandwagon nearly thirty years ago as a Staff Counselor, little did I know I had so much to learn. I was a bit naive that I would counsel every family into perfection. Of course, when one of my first kids stared me in the eyes and said, “you’re one of the worst counselors I’ve ever seen,” my pride bubble was burst. And it’s been a humility ride ever since.

Over the years, I’ve learned that helping people heal is very difficult, but always worth it.  I’ve learned that there are no guarantees in family ministry. I’ve learned that all I can do as a “people helper” is to be faithful to the gifting God has brought my way. I’ve learned that the team approach to ministry is the best way to be about God’s work. I’ve learned that prayer is an absolute necessity to any successful ministry. And, I’ve learned that I’m only useable to God when I realize my place as His servant.

These days, my job description is certainly more global. Thirty years later, I continue to learn the same lessons of humility. Truth is, I seem to go through my own discipleship program and Sheltrerwood program every year. I learn all over again what it means to have a teachable, soft heart that is open to what my loving God needs to teach me.

I’m a blessed man, still learning to be content. I’m a humbled man, realizing I’m worthless when I get in the way of the Lord’s work. I’m a stubborn man, still learning to lean on the Lord in all circumstances. And I’m a man still learning to pray, still figuring out how to stay on my knees in prayer as I walk through each day.

I am so thankful and grateful to have been a part of the Doulos Mission all these years. Through the ups and downs, I’ve witnessed so many miracles happen through Doulos. As I’ve changed hats over the years, I’m so thankful that the Lord has used Doulos to make me a better vessel for Him to use.

By Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/25 at 09:39 AM

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Monday, May 17, 2010

What are you growing?

“…put aside all envy” -1 Peter 2:1

Envy is simply wanting what someone else has. The age-old push to “keep up with the Jones’s” is alive and well today in the family. That competitive stress to “stay ahead” can infiltrate and affect us personally and underscore our parenting. Our values loom at the foundation of every decision we make for our families. And if those decisions aren’t based on love and nurturing, then they are less than the best and can even be catastrophic.

According to the Chicago Tribune, a man in Chicago, who neighbors say was obsessed with his lawn, fatally shot his neighbor whose puppy urinated on the man’s well-manicured grass. The man had won the neighborhood’s lawn up-keep award but was also known to have threatened people who dared to set foot in his yard, neighbors said. Witnesses said a man was walking his fox terrier, when the dog stopped to urinate in the yard. The two men began arguing when the homeowner pulled out a gun. The other man said. “next time you pull out a pistol, why don't you use it”! At that point, witnesses said, the gun went off and the man fell to the ground.

The stress of keeping up a yard, the pressure of a hundred hour work week, the anxiety of financial stress can all have negative effects on the chemistry of the family. Truth is, there isn't a “family scorecard” out there that keeps track of how well we’re doing in the game. In all my years of counseling and work at Shelterwood, I’ve found that the most peaceful families seem to be the simplest families. We know that all families struggle and all families are a bit dysfunctional. But the scales tip when the parents are providing an unhealthy competitive push on the family system.

I remember reading a story about a mom and dad who were raising a family of 2 boys and 2 girls. Most days, their yard was a mixture of jump ropes, soccer balls and Frisbees. One day, a single man with an immaculate yard across the street had had enough. He crossed the street and, after tripping over a tricycle in the driveway, indirectly confronted the father, “If you ever need any help with your yard, I’d be glad to help you.” “Well thank you”, responded the dad, “but remember, you’re growing grass but I’m growing kids.”

How’s the “kid growing” going in your family? I’m not here to judge any family cause families vary widely and family decisions are up to parents, but are you about family or about the “Jones’s?” Simply put, are you growing kids or growing your bank account? Are the 2 high-end vehicles really necessary? Do you really need that huge mortgage payment or is the simple house just fine? Do your kids really need to be involved in an activity every single night?

I’m only challenging you to step back and prayerfully take the pulse of your family. Bank accounts, cars and sports are great but only if they’re lassoed and controlled. When the yard becomes more important than the kid, we’ve in trouble. Of course kids need to have structure and of course they need to help keep that same yard nice, but it’s about motive. We don't need to be about pleasing our neighbor, but about pleasing our God. And He is pleased the most when we’re a loving, flexible, and relaxed parent.

So pray for wisdom. That new car? The golf game? That new house? Maybe it’s time to give up some things to get back the simple: a loving relationship with your family.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/17 at 03:24 PM

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Loving my mom

“When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then He said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” From that hour the disciple took her into his own household” -John 19:26-27

I’ve been in Fort Worth this week spending time with my mom. I love her a lot. Her name is Mildred and she’s lived in Fort Worth by herself since my dad passed away 22 years ago. For 40 years, she’s lived in the same home where I was raised. Before this home, we moved a lot, but when my dad retired from the military, this became our home as he continued practicing medicine. She did move to Branson for 6 months a few years ago, where I live, but insisted on moving back to Fort Worth. So we moved her back to the same home. I come to see her several times a year and we speak on the phone a couple of times a week.

Rewind 28 years. I remember driving out to our “farm” one Friday with my dad. Truth is, the farm was really a small ranch in west Texas, but my dad grew up on a cotton farm in west Georgia and never lost his heritage. As we drove along that day, he asked me a very vulnerable and tough question, “Joey, I won't be around forever. When I’m not around, will you take care of your mother?” We both kept looking straight ahead and I answered “yes.” There was silence for a few minutes, then we switched the conversation to the coming dove season and how the Dallas Cowboys were doing.

We never had that conversation again. We didn't need to because his words were engrained on my heart. Like a dying soldier on the battlefield asking a buddy to take care of his family, I always knew that a part of God’s calling for my life was to care for my mom. Of course, my 3 older brothers care for her too, but somehow I became her unofficial “caretaker.” I love my Lord first and of course my family in Branson, but wherever the Lord leads me geographically, I will be true to my calling to love my mom. I’ll do whatever I have to do to love her.

My mom and I were watching TV the other night (she loves to watch TV) and during a commercial she said, “the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. Thanks for listening to me.” With our moms or our teenagers, with anyone really, the most precious thing we can give them is our time and a listening ear. But I can be so impatient. Why is listening so difficult? Is it because life is busy and the “tyranny of the urgent” keeps us from loving those closest to us?

Love your mom. And remember, it’s not about geography. Wherever you are, you can show your mom you love her by talking to her, being with her when you can, and especially by listening to her. Remember, your teens are watching you like a hawk and the way you treat your mother might be just the way your kids treat you.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/17 at 03:22 PM

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Friday, May 14, 2010

Accountability

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up” - Eccl. 4:9-10

Every time I write an article about parenting or anything else, I have to get it past my favorite editor, my wife Jeanie. She has a great eye for detail and is good grammatically. She reminds me to where to put my commas and she spots incomplete sentences and confusing stories that make sense to me but to no one else. Of course, every major publication has multiple editors that scour over the manuscripts, taking the raw and cleaning it up.

Funny misprints:

“He was a modest man with an unbelievable ego”
“I am proud to be able to say that I have sustained from the use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco products”
“Take Wordsworth, for example; every one of his words is worth a hundred words”
“For almost all involved in these stories, premature burial has had a negative effect on their lives”
“My mother worked hard to provide me with whatever I needed in my life, a good home, a fairly stale family and a wonderful education”
“They eagerly and happily took out bags, welcomed us in English, and quickly drove us out of the airport”
“Do I shake the hand that has always bitten me”?
“In the spring, people were literally exploding outside”
“On a transcript: AP Engllish
“Handwritten on an interview form under Academic Interests: Writting”

Why is editing important? Because when we’re in the middle of the detail, the obvious is easy to miss. I can read over an article ten times and not spot what Jeanie catches on her first read. Truth is, we quickly justify words and actions when we evaluate from our own perspective. We’re terrible editors of ourselves.

The same is true in parenting. We’re not very objective. We’re quick to justify ourselves and our actions. Deep, deep inside, we think the way we do most things is right and if everyone else just understood our slant on things, we’d live in a better world. But we’re handing in papers with plenty of typo’s and misprints.

Who holds you accountable in your parenting? For those with a spouse, are you asking and including your partner in your parenting? For you single parents, who is a close friend that you’re including in on your parenting? We all need editors that we’re allowing to audit our relationships with our teenagers.

Sure, there will be times you’ll disagree with your editor and there will be times you might be defensive and angry. But beware of dismissing the editors in your life. It’s the feedback you really need. Editing and accountability are about exposing blind spots. Of course, blind spots are by definition, well… blind. You can't see them. Someone else can bring just the right fresh perspective you need.

You tell your friend, “I told Beth she was grounded until she got that starting position on the volleyball team.” That friend reminds you that you need to back off on the volleyball. “But she has the potential to be a starter,” you respond. Your friend responds, ”her potential is up to her. She’s a great kid. You need to back off.”
So you do.

Be a parent that allows accountability. We all need friends and editors for what we do. Via prayer, don't forget to include God in all the details. He has an amazing ability to clean things up.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/14 at 01:38 PM

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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Muscle memory

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win” -1 Cor. 9:24

Muscle memory is the ability of our muscles to remember. When a movement is repeated over time, muscle memory is created for that task allowing it to be repeated without conscious effort. It’s a great thing for athletics and has led to the concept of “practice” where we repeat a certain activity so as to be repeated come game time. That’s what the coach so eloquently meant when he said (or yelled), “we’re going to keep running that play ‘till you knuckle-heads get it right!” We learn early as athletes to be focused, intense and competitive. That works well for sports but sometimes not so well in parenting.

Years ago, some friends asked me to come play soccer with them. There was a group of adults and teens that played soccer every Sunday afternoon at the local park in Branson. Lots of fun, but the competitive soccer world is not “fun.” Soccer is a super competitive, intense sport with no time outs, few goals, and no pads (unless you count shin guards, which weren’t required when I played). I was hesitant to go play. I’d played for so many years and it just seemed odd to go, though I’m not sure why. But I decided to play. It really was fun, until the second half. One of the teenagers on the other team was making a run down the field and my “muscle memory” kicked in. I ran him down and made a good “legal” tackle to prevent a goal. But I did not prevent embarrassment. The teen was ticked and, once I came out of my intense daze, I must have apologized a million times. I should not have made that hard play on him. This was just a fun game. But something “unconscious” kicked in. I, in essence, lost control and a billion hours of practice kicked in.

Muscle memory in parenting is a combination of past experience, including how we were raised by our parents and of how we parent day-to-day. How often do you catch yourself reacting the same way your parents reacted towards you? And you swore you wouldn’t be like your parents!

Parenting really can be fun. It doesn't have to be a super intense exercise of winning at all costs. It seems to be about perspective. Your son calls and has a flat tire north of town. He needs your help. You have a choice. You could get grouchy and frustrated, drive to where he is, and be impatient and irritable because your dad was like that. The world is like that. After all, you’re missing your favorite show on the Weather Channel! Or, you can say a quick prayer, take a deep breath and take this as an opportunity to love your son.

Be sure you’re repeating those attitudes and values in your life that are worth repeating. Silver Dollar City in Branson has, as it’s mission statement, “we are creating memories worth repeating.” Make that your motto as a parent, to create a parenting style worth repeating. Certainly, model all the wonderful ways your parents raised you, but be willing to break the mold in weak areas.

Pray for open eyes and an open heart to needed change and improvement in parenting. It doesn't have to be as intense as a soccer match. There are time outs and the victory is a growing relationship with your son or daughter. It's not always easy, but the muscle memory of loving is always the best goal.

By Eric Joseph Staples ©

Posted by John DeVries on 05/13 at 10:01 AM

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