Shelterwood

Friday, March 05, 2010

Joey’ Corner

We’ve made it to March! I love the weather this time of year. Though winter can be stubborn, the first signs of Spring emerge, as they do every year about this time in the Ozarks. Some plants begin to show signs of blooming while others are still dormant, waiting for warmer days to emerge. Plants are a lot like teenagers. They grow and bloom in their own time, at their own pace. All the pushing on our parts as parents won't change their pace of growth. Every plant and every child is different.

When I was a new parent, Darnell White handed me this article one day.  It’s an excerpt from a book written nearly 60 years ago by R.W. White titled “Lives of progress:” 

"Raising plants is one of mankind’s most successful activities.  Perhaps success comes from the fact that the husbandman does not try to thrust impossible patterns on his plants. He respects their peculiarities, tries to provide suitable conditions, protects them from more serious kinds of injury, but he lets the plants do the growing. He does not try to poke at the seed in order to make it sprout more quickly, nor does he seize the shoot when it breaks ground and try to pull open the first leaves by hand. Neither does he trim the leaves of different kinds of plants in order to have them all look alike. The attitude of the husbandman is appropriate in dealing with children. It is the children who must do the growing - and only through the push of their own budding interest.”

As parents, there is such freedom in the letting go and letting our kids grow at their pace and in their timing. Perhaps you’re a frustrated planter these days. No doubt, growing kids is a tough job. We just have to remember that we’re there to protect, respect and provide for our precious plants, not force them to grow at the pace we desire. Let God do the growing and relax in God’s timing. We can trust that even when the budding seems a bit late, that in the difficulty, a plant is emerging that’s better able to withstand life’s storms. God, after all, is the Master Gardener. If I correctly focus on my own growth, a beautiful garden will emerge.

Have a great day and enjoy Spring!

Posted by John DeVries on 03/05 at 01:50 PM

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Adoption & Abortion

According to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned pregnancy, the number of unplanned pregnancies among teens in the US is more than a half million annually.  One in eight women, ages 15 to 19, becomes pregnant and almost half of teen pregnancies end in abortion.  Ninety percent of teens who actually give birth decide to keep their babies; few place their babies for adoption. 

Relinquishing an infant for adoption is seldom considered a viable option for women in unplanned pregnancies. Only about two percent of infants born to single mothers are relinquished for adoption, according to the Department of Health and Human Services, compared to about twenty percent in the 1970's.  The most recent study indicates that nearly one million women were seeking to adopt children in 2002, while fewer than 54,000 infants were available for adoption in the U.S.

Why do so few women in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy choose to relinquish their infants for adoption?  Paul Swope, of the Caring Foundation, suggests that unplanned motherhood represents a threat so great to modern women that it is perceived as equivalent to a 'death of self.'.  Basically a woman desperately wants a sense of resolution to her crisis, and in her mind, adoption leaves the situation the most unresolved, with uncertainty and guilt as far as she can see for both herself and her child.

Beyond the shock of pregnancy, there are other factors that contribute to the intensity of a woman's emotional state while she is choosing a course of action relating to an unplanned pregnancy. According to this study, women who had strong doubts felt powerless during the decision making process and those who were most distressed, felt pressured by their partners, friends, and parents to choose one particular action.  In a qualitative study conducted on unmarried pregnant adolescents and their significant others, several overriding factors influenced their decision not to relinquish.  The general societal sanction against relinquishment, coupled with low levels of knowledge and the absence of professional interventions confirms existing adolescent beliefs that severe, intolerable, and ongoing psychological distress would accompany adoption.

Survival mode is not a prudent filter through which to make one of life's most important decisions for the very first time.  But if young women could be presented with all of the facts and given the opportunity to consider adoption prior to becoming sexually active then they might be better prepared to make a more life affirming choice.

Cindy Booth

Posted by John DeVries on 01/28 at 12:03 PM

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Monday, December 21, 2009

Pornography

A Blue Bird singing at the top of a tree saw a man walking through the woods holding a little box. He asked the man, “What do you have in the box?”

The man said, “Worms. I will sell you a worm for one feather.” The Blue Bird plucked out one feather and took his worm and said to himself, “Why work when it’s so easy to get food this way?” After many days, there were no more feathers to pay for the worms.

By now the Blue Bird could no longer fly, and he was so ashamed of his appearance that he no longer sang pretty songs.

Like the Blue Bird, we may seek instant gratification from the things the world might offer but we will find the price is too high, and eventually learn that there are no short-cuts to mental and spiritual health. Remember that one can never get enough of what they don’t really need because what they don’t really need will never truly satisfy them.

Pornography is like the worms in the box. Every time you partake a beautiful part of yourself is given up in return. Luckily in a spiritual sense you can reclaim your feathers through the process of repentance and change. Reclaim your feathers now!

Taken from   http://helpforpornaddicts.com/

Posted by John DeVries on 12/21 at 06:39 PM

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Helicopter Parents

There’s been a lot written these days about the new concept of “helicopter parenting.” The helicopter analogy describes the over-protecting and over-controlling parent that “hovers” over their child like a helicopter, always watching and quickly landing any time a situation needs to be fixed by the parent. But you know, helicopters have been around a long time. Over 500 years ago, in 1505, the Italian artist and inventor Leonardo da Vinci designed a hand glider and a helicopter. Though the illegitimate son of a peasant woman, he was easily a genius and had always been fascinated with flight. Of course, he drew the Mona Lisa and the Lord’s Supper and conceptualized a calculator and a tank. But his drawing of a helicopter was arguably his greatest design, prompting later workable models.  The hand glider model has been flown but his aerial screw helicopter concept could not provide lift and a workable model was never designed. You can view the original drawings in the science museum in Milan, Italy, da Vinci’s hometown. But workable models were finally developed and now the helicopter is a mainstay of the aviation industry. It’s ability to take off and land vertically, to hover for extended periods of time and to maneuver at low airspeed have made it an invaluable tool for military, police and industrial uses. Even before da Vinci’s invention, 3500 years earlier, there was another helicopter that lifted off just fine.

Her name was Rebekah. She was married to Isaac and was pregnant with twins, Esau and Jacob. Early on, when the pregnancy was difficult, she inquired of God and He let her know that one day Esau would submit to Jacob. She apparently never let Isaac in on this declaration. Isaac declared his preference for Esau and Rebekah admitted that Jacob was her favorite and the helicopter lifted off. She hovered and hovered, fixing this and fixing that. That’s what good helicopters do. They move here and there, never content, in search of any problem they can solve. “Isaac prefers Esau? Well, I’ll fix that,” thought Rebekah, so she devised her trickery. It’s all recorded in Genesis Chapter 25. Through deception and manipulation, she worked out everything to provide the success that she felt her son deserved. Helicopter parents do that well: they talk with coaches to make sure their kids get more playing time, they do their kids homework so they’ll get A’s, they make all their kids’ decisions so failure is never an option. Ironically, when Rebekah’s plan back-fired (and they usually do), she sent Jacob away and would never see him again. The truth is, without her over-controlling ways, God was going to take care of her Jacob.

This is an excerpt from the book Daring to Draw Near by John White. In it, White reviews 10 prayers in the Bible and the people behind the prayers. This one is about Rebekah, Jacob and their struggle with God: “Jacob surely must have realized that Esau was his dad’s favorite, etc. But he also must have known from his mother about the promise God had made. Yet neither Rebekah nor Jacob took the promise seriously enough. It was as though they extracted from it the feeling that Jacob had the right to supremacy over Esau, but both of them lacked trust that God would give what he had promised. If, then, Jacob was to get his due, it was to be by playing on Esau’s weaknesses, by deception, and by superstition. In these ways he struggled half his life to gain for himself the things God had planned to give him anyway. In the end he gained exactly what God had promised (but no more). Tragically he had missed, in the struggle, the peace and the fellowship with God he might otherwise have enjoyed. God had wanted him to have the inheritance plus peace and fellowship with himself, Instead Jacob had twenty-one years of anxiety.”

Of course, that’s the truth in these situations: ultimately it’s a problem with our trust in God. My “helicoptering” of my child is an attempt to over-control what God is doing in their lives. I need to land that helicopter and be available to my teenager when he needs me. I need to relax and trust. When my child is a pre-teen, I need to be there to protect and shelter, but the teenage years are different. I need to know that trials and struggles in my child’s life are there for their good. Getting cut off the basketball team or making a C will not ruin their lives. God will use these struggles and trials just like he uses them in my life: to produce endurance and faith. So land that helicopter! Take out the keys and rest. Better yet, give those keys to someone else. Why not hand them to the loving and wonderful God of the Universe that gave you that child to begin with and knows what your child needs.

© Joey Staples

Posted by John DeVries on 12/21 at 06:28 PM

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Shelterwood Students Serve

The eighth Thanksgiving Serve Project was a huge success! Here in the Ozarks and down at the Gulf Coast, the teams worked so hard! I am so proud of the whole Doulos team and all that was accomplished last week. These "mission trips" are all about reaching out and loving people.

Here in Branson, we divided everyone on campus into three work crews. The teams served on three projects: the "food basket team" delivered food baskets to 50 families that wouldn't have had a meal otherwise. The "raking team" raked and cleaned yards for elderly. The "building crew" helped get a new church ready for construction. We rotated the crews each day, so everyone got to experience each project. Everyone did a great job!

A fourth crew of 15 spent the week cleaning up debris from Katrina and cutting down trees that might do damage in the next hurricane. We stayed at the Retreat center in Kiln, Mississippi, helping clean up debris there. We also sent a crew into New Orleans and cut down damaged trees.  Part of the team stayed at the home of Skip and Barbara in New Orleans. We painted their house and helped clean their yard, damaged by Katrina.

Whether a "Mission trip" in New Orleans, Africa, or right here, it's been a great "classroom" to make us all a little uncomfortable, get our eyes off ourselves and serve the Lord.
Thanks for your prayers and to those who gave financially, thanks for making this trip possible.

Joseph Staples
Executive Director

Posted by John DeVries on 11/25 at 12:26 PM

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Emotional Health

            It can be very difficult to determine when to place your child in treatment.  A good place to start this evaluation is to simply make a subjective assessment of their general emotional health.  Mental or emotional health refers to ones overall psychological well-being.  It includes the way one feels about oneself, the quality of their relationships, and their ability to manage feelings and deal with difficulties.  Good emotional health isn't just the absence of mental health problems.  Being mentally or emotionally healthy is much more than being free of depression, anxiety, or other psychological issues.  Rather than the absence of mental illness, mental and emotional health refers to the presence of positive characteristics.  Sometimes when considering outpatient treatment parents ask themselves, “is my teen ‘bad’ enough to warrant treatment”.  But maybe we should be asking, is our teen healthy enough to stay at home and deal with life as a young adult.  Here are some of the abilities that a teen needs to live a productive life.

People who are emotionally healthy have:

• A sense of contentment.
• A zest for living and the ability to laugh and have fun.
• The ability to deal with stress and bounce back from adversity.
• A sense of meaning and purpose, in both their activities and their relationships.
• The flexibility to learn new things and adapt to change.
• A balance between work and play, rest and activity, etc.
• The ability to build and maintain fulfilling relationships.
• Self-confidence and high self-esteem.

These positive characteristics of mental and emotional health allow you to participate in life to the fullest extent possible through productive, meaningful activities and strong relationships. These positive characteristics also help you cope when faced with life's challenges and stresses.

Posted by John DeVries on 09/23 at 11:27 AM

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Friday, September 04, 2009

Shelterwood Parents Share Lessons Learned

1.  Letting your child struggle is OK.  A parent once told me that the most significant thing she learned while at Shelterwood was the value of letting her child struggle and experience discomfort.  Up to that point, she had believed the lie that "good parents do everything they can to keep their children from suffering any type of pain." 

2.  Don’t "major” on minor issues.  There are choices that each child makes that are not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life!   Compared to all the self-destructive choices in the world, I learned at Shelterwood that my child's choice to have long hair or a tattoo is not a reason to despair. It may even be a healthy way for them to assert their identity.

3.  Progress is happening even when I can’t see it.   I learned to embrace the absolute necessity for my child to make mistakes in order to grow. Every unwise choice is an opportunity, not a failure.  It may be one more step toward my child growing tired of his life and thereby letting go of patterns and choices that don't work for him.

4.  Shelterwood has impacted my life as well.  God used this time for my own individual change that ultimately contributed greatly toward the progress and unity in my family.

5.  I needed others.  Prayer, dependency on God and healthy dependency on others was invaluable during this process.  We are not meant to have all the answers and to do it all on our own.  Reach-out, receive the comfort God has available to you from others and through Him.

Posted by John DeVries on 09/04 at 12:24 PM

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Forgive & Forget?

            “Forgive and Forget” has been a phrase that most of us have known, and have likely used at one time or another. It seems like an ideal that all individuals should strive for in healthy relationships. However, the problem is that, we as humans are not good “forgetters.” In fact, more often than not, the more we try to forget something, the more we end up rehearsing it and committing it to memory.  In his book Hate-Work, author David Augsburger believes that we all find a “place for our grief, rage, and resentment in our memory.”

            The difficult reality is that we were designed to remember.  Our choice then is not to remember or forget, but to choose the manner in which we will remember the wrongs committed against us. In the same book, Augsburger states that, “people need to remember their story, tell it with historical accuracy, recall the injuries given and received, and do reparative work or they are very likely to repeat it in painful detail. Simple forgetting, repressing of memories, substituting disinformation holds an [individual] hostage to his past.” It is therefore over simplistic and unrealistic to hold ourselves to the idea of “forgiving and forgetting.” We can, however, examine the manner in which we remember those who have wronged us.  How will we model for our children how to practice forgiveness in their own lives?

            Reflect on the following “Exploration Inventory” from the book Hate Work.  It has been modified from how it was originally printed to fit common experiences we often find in the families we work with at Shelterwood:

1. Are there members in my extended family whom I have emotionally cut off, who were previously connected with me but are no longer so?
2. Do I have hurtful relationships with my spouse or children that I cannot stop reviewing?
3. Do I realize what payoff I get from rehearsing an offense over and over?
4. How often have I told and retold the story of the offense to others to gain their support and validation of my role as victim?

(by Ryan Federick)

Posted by John DeVries on 09/04 at 11:16 AM

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Friday, August 28, 2009

Boys Adrift

            I just read (Mark Vander Ley – SW counselor), Boys adrift: five factors driving the growing epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men.  By Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D.  The author attempts to answer the question, “what is going on with American boys?”  He begins by defining the problem as an “epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men.”  After defining the problem he clearly outlines the five factors that he believes to be driving it. 

1.  Changes in school.  Sax argues that the acceleration of kindergarten curriculum, the shift from experiential learning to book learning, and the absence of competition in the classroom make coed public schools an unfriendly environment for many boys. 

2.  Video games.  He sights the feeling of control over their environment, decreased risk in social interaction, and a lack of opportunity for “real world” experiences as reasons why video games lead to decreased motivation in boys.  He offers advice on a balanced approach to video games that parents can implement in their homes.

3.  Medications for ADHD.  Sax described a study in which, “the stimulant medications appear to exert their harmful effects by damaging an area in the developing brain called the nucleus accumbens”.  The point of this chapter is summarized with this quote, “boys are being put on these medications to fit the boy to the school.  I’ve come to believe that we should not medicate boys so they fit the school; we should change the school to fit the boy.”

4.  Endocrine disruptors.  Dr. Sax provides an in depth discussion of how chemicals found in plastic bottles, pacifiers, toys and many other products seem to be causing a, “slowing and or warping of boys’ sexual development.”  This topic has garnered many headlines lately and this chapter is helpful in understanding the concerns and what precautions parents can take.

5.  The lack of positive male role models.  Behavior is not hardwired. It has to be taught. Sax explains how in many cultures men “take great care in managing this transition to adulthood.”  He also describes how American culture neglects this transition and has even derided the image of manhood.  He offers ways in which single moms, parenting teams, and communities can surround their boys with positive images of manhood.

Posted by John DeVries on 08/28 at 11:59 AM

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Friday, August 14, 2009

Self-injury

Self-injury is the act of deliberately destroying body tissue, at times to change a way of feeling.  The causes and severity of self-injury can vary.  Some forms may include:

• carving
• scratching
• branding
• marking
• picking, and pulling skin and hair
• burning/abrasions
• cutting
• biting
• head banging
• bruising
• hitting
• excessive body piercing

Some adolescents may self-mutilate to take risks, rebel, reject their parents' values, state their individuality or merely be accepted.  Others, however, may injure themselves out of desperation or anger to seek attention, to show their hopelessness and worthlessness, or because they have suicidal thoughts.  These children may suffer from serious psychiatric problems such as depression, psychosis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Bipolar Disorder.  Additionally, some adolescents who engage in self-injury may develop Borderline Personality Disorder as adults.

Self-injury is a complex behavior and symptom that results from a variety of factors.  Adolescents who have difficulty talking about their feelings may show their emotional tension, physical discomfort, pain and low self-esteem with self-injurious behaviors. Although some teenagers may feel like the steam in the pressure cooker has been released following the act of harming themselves, others may feel hurt, anger, fear and hate.  The effects of peer pressure can also influence adolescents to injure themselves.  Even though fads come and go, the wounds on the adolescents' skin might be permanent. 

Posted by John DeVries on 08/14 at 03:36 PM

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The Effect on Siblings

University of Washington Sociologist Dr. Abby Fagan found that children who have older brothers or sisters who smoke and drink are three to five times more likely to use tobacco and alcohol, because siblings are a more powerful role model than friends or parents.  

• 10 percent of younger siblings with non-smoking older siblings used tobacco, compared to 40 percent of those whose older siblings smoked. 
• Younger sibling alcohol use increased from 25 to 53 percent when older brothers and sisters reported drinking. 

If siblings are more powerful role models than parents, than siblings and their potential influences on each other should be a primary focus of intervention.  The influence of older siblings highlights the value of residential placement and the removal of the influential teen from the home.

Posted by John DeVries on 08/14 at 03:11 PM

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Brad Edgar describes Shelterwood in interview

Brad Edgar (COO) describes Shelterwood in an interview a LA Talk Radio Show.

Install the Flash Player to hear this interview

Download

Posted by admin on 08/13 at 01:35 PM

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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Can people become addicted to marijuana?

Yes. Long-term marijuana use leads to addiction in some people. That is, they cannot control their urges to seek out and use marijuana, even though it negatively affects their family relationships, school performance, and recreational activities. According to one study, marijuana use by teenagers who have prior antisocial problems can quickly lead to addiction. In addition, some frequent, heavy marijuana users develop “tolerance” to its effects. This means they need larger and larger amounts of marijuana to get the same desired effects as they used to get from smaller amounts.

Posted by John DeVries on 08/11 at 06:21 PM

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Thursday, August 06, 2009

Does My Teen Need Help?

Read the list of 30 questions below then refer to the scoring guide below to see which options are most suitable for your child, based upon the total number of questions that you checked as positive.

1. Does your teen struggle with basic family rules and expectations?
2. Has your teen ever been suspended, expelled, truant or had a drop in school grades?
3. Has your teen ever been verbally abusive?
4. In your opinion, does your teen associate with a bad peer group?
5. Has your teen lost interest in former productive activities, such as hobbies and sports?
6. Do you have difficulty getting your teen to do simple household chores or homework without a major fight?
7. Has your teen had problems with the law?
8. Do you find yourself picking your words carefully when speaking to your teen so as not to elicit a verbal attack or rage from them?
9. Are you worried that your teen may not finish high school?
10. Does your teen, at times, seem depressed and/or withdrawn?
11. Is your teen's appearance or personal hygiene outside your family standards?
12. Has your teen ever displayed violent behavior?
13. Is your teen manipulative or deceitful?
14. Does your teen seem to lack motivation?
15. Do you suspect that your teen is telling lies or has been dishonest with you?
16. Are you concerned that your teen may be sexually promiscuous?
17. Have you seen any evidence of suicidal thoughts, such as statements that your teen wanted to be dead, etc?
18. Do you suspect that you have had money or other valuables missing from your home?
19. Are you concerned that your teen's behavior is a threat to his safety and well-being?
20. Does your teen seem to lack self-esteem and self-worth?
21. Do you have a lack of trust with your teen?
22. Is your teen angry or displaying temper outbursts?
23. Does your teen have problems with authority?
24. Does your teen engage in activities you don't approve of?
25. Do you think your teen is using or experimenting with drugs and/or alcohol?
26. Are you concerned about your teen's well-being and future?
27. Does your teen seem to be in constant opposition to your family values?
28. No matter what rules and consequences are established, does your teen defy them?
29. Are you exhausted and worn out from your teen's defiant or destructive behaviors and choices?
30. When dealing with your teen, do you often feel that you are powerless?

Your Total Score is: _______

18+ Checks = HIGH RISK!
- Get help! – Find a residential facility that you feel comfortable with.

9-17 Checks = BORDERLINE RISK

- The problems may be resolved by tightening up the Family Rules and Structure. However, a residential treatment facility may need to be considered if things don't improve or if the situation worsens.

Up to 8 Checks = MODERATE RISK
- Tighten up family rules and be consistent with your monitoring. It is critical that you follow through. When you say something will happen, your teen must see it happen!

Posted by John DeVries on 08/06 at 11:46 AM

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Wednesday, August 05, 2009

What do I Value?

A group of university alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit an old professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests something to drink, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups -- porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite -- telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself, adds no quality to the coffee in most cases, just more expense and in some cases, it even hides what we drink.  What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups ... and then began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Family life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of the lives we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.  Maybe it is time to spend a little more time and effort on the parts of our life that have meaning and connect us to those we love.

Posted by John DeVries on 08/05 at 10:46 AM

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